I ask google questions like it’s a magic 8 ball. “Why did my gay husband marry me?” “How much longer will this divorce take?” “Will I be granted sole custody and the right to move back to my hometown?” I thought the answers that would be returned might be simple like the 8 ball: “Ask again later,” “Concentrate and ask again,” and “Outlook good.”
But instead of simple and easy answers I was bombarded with tens of thousands of websites all offering some unique combination of my key words. I found an interesting article in Phillymag that presented one married man’s struggle with his homosexuality. Sorry – no sympathy from me but it reminded me that my GH was fond of craigs list and the gay hook up site, Adam4Adam. I trolled those sites, and set up a fake profile just to see what really goes on. Apparently being a husband and gay is pretty common and actually in some circles quite desirable. The more I read and researched the more physically ill I became. I found images of GH as well as other men. You can’t un-see these things and unfortunately my mind has images of gay porn (which isn’t my thing) burned into my brain. I’ve come to terms that I have a gay spouse. I know gay people, my brother included with many friends. I am not a homophobe. I know what gay people do, but it is unbelievable to me that my husband was doing ‘gay things’ while married to me. I just wanted to know WHY. WHY did he marry me? ME? WHY ME? Why did he get married? Many people stay single for personal reasons. He had a personal reason that justified him staying single.
The google led me to other places on the internet and I became aware that I was not the only one who had fallen in this rabbit hole, but I had no idea that an entire wonderland existed and that there was a whole community of people who are going through the same waking hallucination. The google led me to the Straight Spouse Network. I was amazed to find a group of people who could help me with answering questions that a straight spouse has.
I felt like jumping for joy and screaming outloud that I found people to validate my feelings and assure me my story, while unique to me, doesn’t have to define me.
The Straight Spouse Network has been a great resource. Now if only the google could find me the answers to my other questions because I am ready to find the right potion to drink so that I can leave this crazytown and get back to where I belong.