Average aloof mom seeks handsome adventurous type

I want someone wonderful in my life. I want someone to hold and to hold me back. I want to be in love and to have someone love me. It seems so hopeless. I have been hopeful. Maybe I have not been entirely open minded though. We judge on appearance, there is no chance to build a friendship or get to know someone in a ‘normal’ setting.  I have reached out but the rejections are just piling in. I am guilty of it to. Here are the latest rejects…

A former addict. Yes I know it is not very accepting of me to celebrate someone’s sobriety. But I like an occasional glass of wine. Sometimes I like an occasional bottle. On rare occasions, I’ll drink more and get completely hammered. It is no fun to be in an altered state with someone who doesn’t drink. Do I drink too much? Maybe. but I do think it is fun to get tipsy with my partner and have drunken sex. Former addicts rule out that possibility.

Criminals. Having gainful employment usually requirers a background check. I want my partner to be gainfully and legally employed. I wouldn’t consider myself a gold digger, but I want my partner to pull his own weight. Plus I don’t want my stuff stolen!

Similar compensation. Making as much or close to the amount of money I do is important. I don’t want to fund anyone’s lifestyle anymore than I want to be a kept woman. I see things in my future that I want with my partner and buying a vacation home, dining out and traveling is not likely if he is unemployed or makes significantly less than me. I have two dependents that I gave birth to. I am not looking for a third.

Physical appearance. I am not a beauty queen but I am not  Quasimodo’s fraternal twin either. That being said, I want my partner to be of the same ‘look’ as me.  Mr. Serendipity called me, “average” so I guess I am looking for average. People can become more attractive to me as I get to know them, but initially, there has to be some form of attraction. I am not looking for simply my best friend. I want someone who I don’t want to keep my hands off of. But men who are bald, overweight, have no concept of manscaping and post hairy back and chest photos are just not appealing to me. Men with doughy looking faces, broken capillaries and jowls is just not appealing to me – regardless of how nice they could be, I don’t think there would be a physical relationship that would satisfy me.

I know that I am not everyone’s type. but I am wondering if I am anyone’s type!  In the past week, I have been called a hag – as in, “you are an old hag who I wouldn’t waste time with.” One man asked if I like to be called names. I said, “I prefer you call me by my given name. what did you have in mind?” He then said his favorite pet names for his girlfriend is, “whore or slut.” I’ve been told that I am “too old” and that having kids makes me, “not fun” and that if I can’t be free more often, then I shouldn’t even try to date.

I am not tall – 5’4 on a ‘tall day’ I am an ‘average’ body type – fluctuating between as size 2 and 4. I had, at one point been pretty fit with good muscle tone. But I am 45. it is harder now to maintain the physique of fitness model. Also, I am not really interested in the sacrifices at this point to achieve that. People tell me I am ‘pretty’ but I am not the kind of woman that turns heads and can show up at a box and do a WOD and look hot. I think I hate cross fit. I have a reasonable job. Make six figures. I am pretty well respected at work, but like a lot of people, I am stressed and I withdrawal to cope. I am a single mom. A full time mom all the time mom. I have very little time for myself let alone to date; I don’t have built in fun days or every other weekend off. I love going to the city, exploring museums. I love binge watching TV shows and having someone to snuggle up with. I want to have one person – maybe that makes me clingy. I call it exceptionally loyal. So I supposed I could be reduced to an an average looking aloof busy mom with no free time.

So with that in mind, I am going to create an alternate dating profile to see how that goes. I’ll use real photos – not as flattering as the ones that i have on my ‘real’ profile. we’ll see how it goes. My new headline: Average aloof mom seeks handsome adventurous type.

5 things I miss about being in a Relationship

1. Having someone to kiss good morning. Really kiss him – celebrate the fact that I have one more day with him in my life. Knowing that no matter what the day holds for me, that person, the one who kissed me back wants me to be happy, comfortable and whole. To carry that feeling as I start my day and face any insecurities or conflict is what lifts me up. Being confident that that regardless of what happens, the person who kissed me good morning wants nothing more than to see me at the end of the day.

4. Being surprised by his simple gestures and thoughtful actions. He made me coffee adn as I am getting ready to leave the house I see that the snow has been brushed off my car, the windshield scraped of ice and the car on, warm and ready for me to get in. He silently does these things without pointing out how thoughtful or nice he is. He does the because he cares for me and wants me safe, warm and comfortable and on time for work.

3. Packing a sweet surprise in my beloved’s bag. That secret smile that crosses my heart when I know my beloved will soon discover my thoughtful gesture. Knowing that sometime soon, he will be digging in his bag looking for a pen or a piece of gum and will come across a bag with his favorite snack. In it will be a post it note to let him know that I want to make sure he has a snack so he’s on his A game for his big meeting with the boss. That feeling of wanting to take care of him and that I am confident that he will rock the presentation. I know he is brilliant, charming and captivating. I see what he sometimes misses in himself. He loves that I love him and pump him up when I see he’s nervous. He doesn’t have to ask and he doesn’t have to admit he is feeling a little weak. We don’t talk about that; he just loves that I make him feel on top of the world.

4. Getting that suggestive text that lets me know I am his. A simple one liner or a quick back and forth that reminds me that I am his and he shares only that part of himself with me.

5. That feeling of anticipation. of not being able to wait to be naked and feel his warmth next to me. I  want to feel his kiss at the end of the day as we crawl into bed. He wraps himself around me and we become one. We breathe each other in and the noises in my head and the stress of the day all disappear and we consume each other’s body and soul. Falling asleep entwined knowing that if the world crashed down and ended I have had the best day ever.

The Stuttering Universe

Trusting other people has been difficult. I don’t believe what people say. I look for reasons to not believe what people tell me and tend to believe the opposite. In the case of Mr. Serindipity, I didn’t want to believe that he is not interested in me. It was fate that we met. How could he not be interested?

After several weeks of texting for days, I find it odd that Mr. Serindipty hasn’t come up with a reason to spend time with me. After much discussion about his anxiety and other issues with him being injured I think I can use that to my advantage.”Come to Yoga,” with me I say to him. “It will help you rehabilitate your body after all that cross fit.” I think that there is no way he will agree to go to yoga. There are so many preconceived notions, but I did think it could help him. Plus, I wanted an opportunity to spend time with him.

After a couple of days of non stop texting and cute bantering, it is set. He has agreed to go with me.

I start to feel again. the butterflies. the anticipation. I get nervous thinking about being in a hot room next to him; sweating, bending. and trying to stay focused. Plans are arranged and he tells me he actually went without me. To get a ‘lesson’ so he’d know what he was doing ahead of time.

My head starts to spin with questions. Could that mean he likes me? does that mean that he wants to impress me? Is he just feeling like he said – he didn’t want to look like he didn’t now what he was doing? My mind can’t be quiet. It has been months since I have thought this way about any other man, and then this one showed up – right after I ordered one from the universe. Could it be him? Could it be a coincidence?

On my way to the studio, he text me that he’d pick me up. I am an idiot. I didn’t want to presume it a date where he’d pick me up so I say I am on my way and I’ll meet him there. Then i am flustered. what says “I am not interested” any more than “I am not interested in you picking me up so I drove myself.” I have not actually seen him in weeks. But I walk into the studio and set myself up next to him. I can’t speak. I am so nervous. I am thankful for yoga studio ettique. I have a reason to not talk and certainly blunder my words. I am  much better at texting where I can type and backspace. and retype. then send. Speaking – well I am not always so eloquent.

Somehow I make it through the class. We leave, sweaty and I feel as though I look awful. I want to go home and take a shower. We leave the studio and it’s chilly out.  I wish now we drove together because I really want to spend more time with him. He offers to walk me to my car, and I nervously tell him he doesn’t need to that I parked in the deck. Idiot. he offered to spend time with you! He walks me to my car. I chatter, nervously the entire way. My brain tells my mouth to stop taking. But I ramble on. We make it to my car and I want him to forgive my social awkwardness and just kiss me. As gross as I look and feel I find him sweet and funny. If he would just iss me my mouth would stop chattering nonsense!  We say our goodbyes with not so much as any physical contact. I get in my car, shut myself in and feel safe. sad. but safe. He went to Yoga with me. it was an activity we did with out any hint of interest from him. But I am not shocked – the words that fell out of my mouth and the way I acted didn’t exactly scream, “I find you incredibly attractive and I want to get to know you more and kiss you!”

Finally, back behind the comfort of a keyboard, I can text him. I admired his ability to go to a class beforehand. I can tell him I enjoyed his company. I have the ability to ask him to go with me again. He  agrees.

He must like me. what guy goes to yoga on his own to ‘learn it’ before hand. He must really like me. he agreed to go again. Or maybe he just really wants to do yoga and it has nothing to do with me. I don’t exactly make the best first impressions.

This is great. I am thrilled. I think it’s date. I count down the days and this time, we agree to have him pick me up. It feels more like a date.

He comes to my house, he comes in. I am making my kids dinner and feel a little more relaxed but still very nervous. I got this, I think. It is yoga. We went before, the only difference is we are riding together. Yeah, It’s a date. I say to myself. I am smiling on the inside.

The ride to the studio was effortless. We talked. I was not as nervous as I was before. I think the fact that it is dark out and i am staring at the road ahead makes it easier; still I am a little tongue tied. Tonight’s class – Yoga Nidra – is a guided meditation, and will leave me feeling less sweaty and unattractive at the end. As the class progressed, I was very distracted thinking of him lying next to me. When the class ends, we leave the studio. I am not ready to go home. I wish I could spend more time with him. As I am thinking that, he asks, “do you want to get some hot chocolate?” I blurt out, “I don’t like hot chocolate.” Why could I have not said something more flirty. more fun. more witty. Why could I not have just said YES. I am an idiot.

We get back in his truck and he takes me home. I become aware of myself. I am chattering and twirling my hair. I am leaning into him while we talk and nervously touch my throat and collar bone. All of the sudden I am aware that I am exhibiting body language that I didnt know I had in me! I stop immediately. I don’t want to be so obvious. We pull into my driveway and I don’t want the night to end. “Do you want to come in for a bit?” I can’t believe the words came out of my mouth. It is out there. If this is a date, and if he likes me and if he wants to spend more time with me too, I will know.

“I have laundry to do.” it just took five words to let me know he’s not interested. I feel so foolish. For god’s sake, 3 minutes earlier, I was subconsciously twirling my hair and hoping for him to kiss me.  Ok. I reel back. This was not a date. The other day was not a date. What man says he has laundry to do when a woman offers for him to come in. I laugh it off, congratulate him for making it through another night of yoga with me. I hug him good bye and head into my house.

I close the door behind me and replay the past few encounters. he texts me a lot. he went to yoga with me not once but twice with me and once on his own. He hugged me back. He can’t think nothing of me, but he clearly is not on the same wavelength as me.

For someone who is not interested, he’s spending a lot of time with me. Maybe I am just not his type. I want to test this theory so I invite him over to meet a friend. I say, “you should come meet my friend.”  He agrees to come over to meet her.

At this point, I should have taken the clues:

He didn’t make a move on “date” one.

He didn’t come in on “date” two.

I suggest a set up with a friend and he willingly agrees to come over.

These were not subtle, they were overt. obvious and loud indicators of non interest. Now I am screwed; I have to have him over to meet my friend.

When I set this event up, I didn’t consciously think that my motive was to get him alone, but it quickly turned into it. My friend is beautiful. Articulate. Smart. She surfs. she’s cool. she smokes pot. she has a large vocabulary. She went to Ivy Legague school. She eats foi gras, sushi, and other exotic foods. She confidently and charmingly weaves entertaining tales about her life living at the beach.  She is everything I am not. Of course he would prefer her, that is why I invited them to my home to see if they’d hit it off. In the short time I have known him, I do think of him as a good friend and want him to be happy in a relationship. If not with me, then why not with my friend? But I do like him. I become insanely insecure. I am a bit chubby in the middle. Socially awkward. I can’t express myself very well. I want to kiss him. A ‘kiss test’ to see if he responds. I invited him over to meet my friend and now all I can think about is kissing him. I am a terrible friend and feel like I’ve manipulated this situation. Maybe I will be able to kiss him into liking me?

After a couple glasses of wine, i have the courage, I rudely leave my friend in the kitchen and drag Mr. Serindipty to my bedroom, i shut the door and tell him that I feel very attracted to him and all I can think about is kissing him. He doesn’t protest and before I know it we are in each others arms making out like teen agers. It feels amazing to have him against me. Now I am wondering exactly how far this can go. would I sleep with him? He is a great kisser and I apologize for inviting him over to meet my friend then stealing him away. He laughs it off. I want to know, I want to hear him say that he likes me. That he’s into me, but we just kiss, talk. laugh. I really like him and  I am not thinking about GIJoe. I want to know why he hasn’t responded to me before.  I like him. I tease him and jokingly say,  “when a woman invites you in, you don’t say you have laundry to do unless you aren’t interested.” He says, “or it could be that I don’t know what I want.” Maybe he has a girlfriend. I ask, ‘are you seeing someone else?” he responds immediately, ‘yes’ So now I understand, I think.

He DOES like me. but he’s conflicted. He’s dating someone else. I press the issue: “How would she feel if she knew you were kissing me?” I want to figure out how serious is this. Am I (once again) getting involved with someone else’s man? I want more than to be an affair. After all, I am ready to find Prince Charming. And he is Mr. Serindipity, and very well could be Prince Charming. But not if he’s dating someone else!

“She would not be happy.”

“Are you Ok with this?” I ask him, but really I am asking myself. I am not sure if I am okay with kissing someone who is in a relationship with someone else.

“Yes. I am, I do what I want to do.” He says it like he’s trying to convince himself that it is true.  “I don’t know if I just want to date one woman.”

“Ok. I get it. I think monogamy is overrated, as long as everyone is honest and truthful. You should tell her so she can decided if she wants that kind of relationship.” Why I felt the need to tell him that is beyond me. Yes monogamy is overrated. In truth we are all in ‘open relationships’ whether we want to believe it or not. At any given time anyone in a relationship can stray. I clarify, “the issue is not kissing multiple people, it is in not telling the truth.”  That I believe wholewhartedly.

I get the feeling this is going to be a longer conversation, but right now, I just want to keep making out with him. In light of this new information, I am not going to have sex with him. For several hours we kiss, talk, laugh and cuddle. We end up getting naked and I am so hungry for him but hold back. I don’t want him to see me desperate for his affection. I pull away and realize that I am about to cross that line with him; I don’t want to be that girl who is an affair but as I look at him, all I can imagine is him inside of me. I can’t do it. I want him exclusively. I don’t wan to share anyone ever again. At this point in any kind of courtship it’s unreasonable to impose any kind of fidelity rules. Lying there naked, I notice he is fit and toned. Cross fit has worked for him.

I then remember back to when I was getting regular meal plans and work out plans from GIJoe. He helped me build an amazing body. Now I glance at my self, I get self conscious. I am not as toned as I was; as much as I want to deny it, I have let myself go some. Mabye if I were more attractive or more fit he wouldn’t have agreed to meet my friend. I ask him, “what do you think of me? I am not like the cross fit girls you know. and I am not wafer thin either.” He says, ‘ you are average.’

the room gets quiet. He is right. I am average. Average looking. Average height. Average intelligence. Average. As in not repulsive but not drop dead gorgeous. I hear mediocre. Average.

Immediately I want to turn back time. i want to be back at the farm house in Illinois. I want to be alone. I want him out of my bed. Out of my house. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be with him. I don’t want to be Average. I want to be back in the time where I was loved. Adored. I want someone to look at me like I am the most beautiful (not average) woman he has ever seen. I want GIJoe. He would tell me how beautiful I was. He would have to catch his breath when he spoke to me. I literally took his breath away. And now here I was, naked, in my own bed with a man who saw me as average.

Denying the obvious signs of Mr. Serindipity being too weak to leave earlier and reject my kissing him, I made a joke and told him that while he thought I was average there were some who thought I was above average.

I kiss him some more. His hands go to my head and he pulls me close to him. I want so badly for him to be the one. He came when I asked the universe for someone. He is Mr. Serindipity. What went wrong? We continue making out and  caressing each other. I want to get on top of him and show him that i am not average! But I don’t. Instead  go down on him. I want him to cum in my mouth. I want to swallow him; I want to be able to do that to him. But I stop. I don’t want to be in this situation. I don’t want him to see me as the average girl he can have sex with. I want a relationship. I think at this point I have gone too far but I can’t leave him without a release. I use my hand and he helps me with his. he takes over at the end and I feel some relief. Now we can get back to lying together, and talking. I know I can’t undo what we did but I am glad we didn’t have sex. Oddly, I think to myself that I want to get to know him more. I think I could really like him and I want to have a friendship too.

He stays in my bed until 430 a.m. I kiss him good bye. Now I am conflicted. He leaves me with an odd feeling that this was not a one time event but not going to be repeated anytime soon.

I feel like a shitty friend to the surfer girl. I feel like a manipulative woman to Mr. Serindipity. Personally, I feel hollow. As fun as it was kissing Mr. Serindipity, he was a reluctant participant. He wants what I am not and all along I knew that I just couldn’t face the reality. After he left and I was alone in my bed, it all seemed so obvious. He said, in words, as well as actions that he’s not interested in me. Why can’t I just accept that.

Something has to be done to right this; I like him and even though I’ve only known him for a couple of weeks, I don’t want that to be the end of our friendship. I send him a quick text letting him off the hook. After all, I invited him over to meet Surfer girl. I apologize for attacking him. I err on the side of honesty, “I am sorry I attacked you I really wanted you to like me. Did you want to meet Surfer girl again?”

“She did seem pretty cool. how about i get through this month…. I may not be my most generous self. I guess the real question is would she like to meet me.”

My heart sank and my eyes welled with the stinging tears of rejection. I am a good person, I tell myself. But i know that isn’t true. I am mortified by my actions. I chased a man who I thought the Universe sent to me. He rejected me now four times. The message from him was coming in loud and clear.

I tel him that I am embarrassed by my behavior. “I thought i was setting you up… I had a few drinks and had that feeling that you were into me too.”

“Don’t apologize.” he says. “we both had fun, I hope. And we are both open with each other. Nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Wonderful, I think to myself. I was a ‘fun time’ I am very glad I didn’t fuck him. that’s all it would have been. A one night stand where he’d be cheating on his girlfriend with me whilst eyeing my friend for a real relationship. My stomach is stariting to clench, I grab myself if holding me tightly will keep the tears from spilling out of my eyes.

“I am sorry. I took advantage” I say again. hoping that my apologies may convince myself that I am a good person, worthy of love some how.

“I didn’t fight all that much,” he responds.

Again, I tell him, “Yes I liked that.” to which he sends an ambiguous  smily. I hate emoticons. They are lazy. So I ask him outright, “Did you?”

He says, “yes I did.” Well fuck. what guy who just got a blow job would deny enjoying it.

Needing clarificattion, I press the issue, “Did you really because you seem conflicted or not interested,” knowing full well that the girlfriend might have been the reason.

But he responds, “I don’t want you to feel like I took advantage. I LIKE SEX.”

That clearly says, “I like sex. you were offering. I wasn’t going to say no.” I am an idiot because now I just want the actual words to come from him. Don’t beat around the bush anymore. Reject me. For real. I tease it out of him and hand him the verbal knife: “Right, well you didn’t’ take advantage. I was hoping that I could tip you over into feeling something for me.”

And now it comes, a swift clean cut, “I am a very physical person. I like you and enjoy you but not in a relationship way. you are a good friend.”

Now I can bleed with tears. That was the emotional cut that i needed. An odd feeling of relief and pain simultaneously come over me. It  is the same hurt and pain that i know from GI Joe. From the Gay X husband. Oddly, it is comforting.

He speaks the the truth that I don’t want to be true. The words echo: ‘not in a relationship way.”

“Suck it up!” I command myself. “Don’t beg. Don’t ask. Don’t try and convince him.” I remind myself that someday Prince Charming will come.

“Good. I didn’t get what I needed from you.” and that was the truth. What I need is a man to breath me in. to quiet the noise around me. to hold me. make love to me. adore me. I clearly misread his physical response to me as one that could be emotionally fulfilling.

When I told the universe I was ready and asked to meet my partner, he showed up. Maybe it doesn’t work as quickly? Maybe I thought he was IT but really it was the universe stuttering its reply and the real Prince Charming is still out there? Or maybe, hoping against all hope, Mr. Serendipity meant what he said in that he just doesn’t know what he wants and it could be me after all.

Tindering towards the New Year

It’s tinder, but a girl can hope. Or is that asking to much?

I am so full of hope it is ridiculous. I am looking under every electronic rock looking for Prince Charming. So why not tinder? I’ve heard mixed reviews about it not being the shallow end of the dating pool. I know people who have lasting relationships that started with just a swipe to the right. So why not me. I’ll give it a whirl.

I crafted a simple profile, realizing not too many people read them but I do put in a rider. My equivalent of the Brown M&M clause. I state, specifically:

 Looking for a fun, fit stable guy who can take the time to add the “a” and the “e” to the word “are” and the “y” and the “o” to “You.”

I am not a grammarian and I really don’t care if someone take shortcuts but like so many things, it’s the thought that counts. we are all on smart phones nowadays. It will not take 17 clicks to type out a three letter word. So, for the love of wanting to get laid – can you take the fucking time to read a 120 character profile then type out “Your are Stunning?”

Am I being unrealistic?

U R Stunning

Mr. Serendipity

I asked the universe for a man, Prince Charming. I was quite specific. A little demanding in some regards and a little open ended in others. I didn’t think much of it when Vic called and asked if I wanted to join her and her son at the High School football game. She would come over and we’d walk up with my daughter and her friend.

 A couple of glasses of wine later, we were off. On the way up there I mentioned to her that I was done with my fooling around with married men, waiting on GI Joe, and was ‘putting myself out there.’ I declared I was ready to meet someone. I had gone so far as to re-write my dating profile, even.  We toasted my new commitment to finding a normal, healthy relationship.

As we found our places in the stands, we reminisced about how we had run on that track over 20 years ago. We talked about our first loves, our friends and found comfort in seeing how somethings had changed for the better. The band had gotten better, and she noticed that since she played, they had better uniforms, though they still looked miserably uncomfortable to me.

On a positive note, the football team had improved. The stands were packed with families and the community. A far cry from when we were going to school when only a few people would show up for the game.  Sitting in the stands, I had such a wonderful, peaceful feeling. Since leaving Illinois, I had gradually began to feel like I belonged back here and that I fit in. The stress and anxiety of getting divorced was in my past. My job was fairly stable. I really didn’t long for a thing. Well, except for a normal relationship.

We cheered for the team and she being the social media maven she is, snapped a photo and put it on Facebook. Vic was always the popular girl. Voted “Sexiest Senior” even. She was still drop dead gorgeous, caring, and an amazing friend to me. More often than not I stood next to her and felt like the Designated Ugly Fat Friend but she didn’t need a DUFF to shine. Regardless, she is kind, funny and people gravitate to her. She has hundreds of Facebook friends that are all probably really good friends to her in ‘real life.’ She was a collector of people. Friends from high school, college, graduate school, sports clubs, and colleagues. They were all friends to her. It didn’t take long after meeting her to feel like a true friend. So it was no surprise that shortly after announcing our presence at the game that people took notice. Before I knew what was happening one guy was coming to find us in the stands.

Little did I know that Mr. Serendipity was on his way and that I would meet him for the first time. When he appeared and I tried to place his face from over 20 years ago. Having gone to 8 schools in 12 years, the names and faces blurred. Back then there wasn’t Facebook to keep in touch so when I said goodbye, it was for real. I was not a collector of people. I was a drifter. I drift in an out of social situations and locations. I don’t stay long enough emotionally or physically to get too attached to too many people. The people in my life are few but dear. Vic was one of them. Mr. Serendipity was nice enough. Friendly enough. I found him very attractive. His daughter was part of the home coming celebrations, so he was quite proud of her and beaming when he spoke of her. There was nothing about him that I found remarkably annoying or off putting but at the same time, I didn’t really spend enough time with him to determine if I liked him or not. But he seemed nice enough. Like it is though anytime I am with Vic, she’s the center. The lifeblood. She has such radiating positive energy that I enjoy being around but don’t need or want to compete with. Mr. Serendipity was her friend. He obvious was quite enthralled with her. I didn’t want to compete for airtime.

 At the time, I didn’t know he could be the one I asked for and it is up for debate as to whether he is Prince Charming! But when he found his way through the crowds to find us, I didn’t think twice about my plea to meet someone. And as the game wrapped up and we said our goodbyes, he leaned in to give me a friendly hug. How thoughtful, I thought. He wants to hug Vic so he extends one to me too. I was taken by surprise but it was nice, really nice.

 Walking home, I thought how pleasant the whole evening was. It was so nice to be in my hometown with my kids and having them have similar experiences to the ones I had growing up. I asked Vic about Mr. Serendipity. She told me funny stories about him and some double dates they had gone on. She fully endorsed him as one of the good ones. Nice to know, I thought.

Shortly after she left, I looked at the Facebook photo that she snapped of the three of us. I felt drawn to him and connected with him on Facebook. Within minutes, we discovered we were a year apart in school. We knew a lot of the same people but never socialized. We both went to the same college in Ithaca, NY. We lived on the same part of campus. We took, quite possibly at the same time, the same Art History classes. We had been divorced about the same amount of time. His daughter was a couple years older than my son.  For about 2 weeks, he became my fast new friend. Texting all day and into the evening. I had developed somewhat of a crush on him.

 I told Vic about my new friendship and she remarked, “What if the reason you moved back here was for him and not GIJoe. Maybe he is the one?”

That stuck with me and became a topic I needed to explore. For the first time I could see my self not longing for GIJoe who I had not heard from in since the Shamrock Incident.

Prince Charming

Eckhart Tolle and all the other Law of Attraction followers all say to be specific when making please to the Universe. Here’s my order for Prince Charming. So what the hell… musing to myself in my house has not worked. so here it is, Universe.

Listen up – I am asking, specifically for who I want my life. I’m ready for him to knock on my door or to run into him at whole foods. Who knows – I could find him by swiping right.

But here is my order & it’s a tall one:

He gets me. He finds me funny, charming, and endearing. He and I have have a shared history and while we might have never met, our circles will have crossed. It will be the Universe’s way of teasing us when we finally meet. We’ll think of al the times we could have started a relationship but the timing wasn’t right.

By now he has been married and gone through a divorce. Sadly he will have suffered as I suffered but it will have made him open and strong not bitter and hateful. He will understand my trust issues. He will not judge me for my past. He would have a past of his own that includes heartache and lost love.

He has at least one child and they share a very close relationship. He loves his children’s hobbies and shares his passions with them. He knows their friends and the friends  know him.

He is smart, very smart. the kind of smart that is humble though and at times oblivious but always willing to learn from me and other around him. He is kind, to a fault. He has loyal friends that have lasted the test of time. He understands my reluctance though to keep people near and to at times, to too quickly discard friends.

He enjoys spending time with me, doing mundane things. He likes grocery shopping and cooking meals with me. He is rough around the edges – doesn’t get manicures or pedicures. He goes to a barber not a salon. He enjoys fixing things and taking care of things for me. He loves to make sure I am safe and makes sure my car’s oil is changed, the tire pressure is right and it is full of gas. He loves to send me flowers and leaves me thoughtful post it notes. He loves that I dote on him and take care of him. He enjoys the amount of affection I give him and doesn’t feel smothered or crowded.

He appreciates that I give him ‘alone’ time because I trust him to be faithful. He is not threatened when I need to be by myself, travel, or retreat to my room.

He loves my children. Our family blends naturally; we are alike in our parenting and have a healthy respect for boundaries. My children adore him and find him funny. They respect him and look up to him and consult him when life poses challenges.

He has a job, hobbies, and passions that excite him and keep him interesting. He shares them with me and because of my love for him, I enjoy his passions too. He loves that I want to be involved and enjoy his life.

Now since I am on a roll about what he should be like, let’s talk about what he should look like. He is fit and takes very good care of his body not solely for vanity but because he realizes he is getting older. He wants to be in shape and healthy so that when he finally meets me we can share an active life together. We will have an amazing physical relationship that makes us both feel like we are 16 again. He is under 6 feet tall because a man any taller than that is uncomfortable for me to kiss. He will want to kiss me all the time so being the right height is important. He has beautifully loving eyes that sparkle when he looks at me.

And also, as one last request, he has hair.

Ok Universe. Bring him on. I am ready. I see him in my mind, I now want to have him in my life.

Love your husband or I Will

Chatham was funny and passionate. He kissed me like he was devouring me. He looked at me  with such desire and maybe love. He frequently said he loved me He did all the right things – he was interested in my life. He helped me around my home. He sent me flowers. He met me for coffee before work to just hold my hand and talk to me before work. He brought lunch to me at work. I brought lunch to him at work. He stopped by just because he missed me. We went out for dinner. We acted like teenagers, making out in bars, on the sidewalk, in parking lots. The world disappeared when he held me.  Physically, we fit together perfectly. Unlike GI Joe, he was here, he was local. However he too was unavailable. He has a wife. He has children, four to be exact.  He already has one ex wife and another divorce would bankrupt him. If he left his wife he would not be able to see his daughters every night. That would kill him, he said. So our affair continued. One day he texted me, ‘What is kate short for’ and without much thought, I responded, “home wrecker.” I didn’t want to be a home wrecker and told him that he would have to either leave me to fix his marriage or leave his marriage for me. But I was hooked. I couldn’t let him go and he wasn’t ready to leave his life. He would disappear from his home and his wife and he would meet me, often staying with me until late in the evening. We had plans to go away for a weekend. It was all derailed, and probably for the best. The reality is that he was never going to leave her.

During a careless moment someone who knew his wife sent her an email outing her husband as a cheater. We were seen kissing on a busy street during rush hour. Oddly I was angry at Chatham for not telling her the truth about himself. About me. After we were seen, I became impatient, it was like the universe was sending a sign to him to make his choice. Me or his current life. Ironically before we were spotted, I wanted him to go to her and fix his marriage apologize. I wanted him but only once I knew he was free.

A couple of months have gone by and we have not had contact. I contemplate reaching out to her and apologizing for loving her husband. Even though I have not had contact with him or her, I want to.

As a wife who was cheated on by her second husband. As wife who cheated on her first husband. Now, as a woman who knowingly was with another woman’s husband. I have perspective. Ironically this is near his wedding anniversary so maybe my thoughts to his wife may inspire others.

  1. Your husband is funny. He is witty and sarcastic and has a beautiful smile and laugh. Enjoy him. Enjoy watching him find humor in things. Your husband is like a grown up 13 year old boy. He is raunchy and funny and adorable.
  2. Your husband is sexy. He loves with his whole body. His eyes shine and lips dance into a smile when he kisses. His embrace is comforting and makes the weight of the world disappear.
  3. Your husband needs space. He likes to be alone and have no one expecting him to do a thing.
  4. Your husband needs to feel appreciated. He works hard so you can stay home with your children. He needs to be thanked and not nagged. He loves to just be thanked and held. When he comes home, he doesn’t want to hear about your hard day. He would gladly trade places with you and have your “problems” at the community garden or the community pool.
  5. Your husband is afraid. He is afraid to leave you and afraid you will leave him. He loves you and your children. But it is weighing on him and his health is suffering. He is depressed and anxious.
  6. Your husband loves sex. he loves to have spontaneous sex in the kitchen, on counters, in the back of a jeep. outside on the deck. wherever and whenever the mood strikes. It is not so much the physical act but the act of being wanted, cherished and craved. I crave him. I want him. I anticipate each time seeing him. You treat sex like a chore. Scraping dirty dishes and cleaning toilets are chores. Have sex with him. On purpose. Be loud and joyful and let him make you scream with pleasure. Would you please do that for him? He would be a lot less depressed and probably healthier.
  7. Your husband loves being a dad. He loves his older boys. He adores his daughters. But he wants to be loved like a man too, not just a dad. The best part of his day is snuggling up with his littlest ones.
  8. Your husband is more than a co-parent. You are not tag team parenting. Parenting is a joy and should be done together with love for the lives you’ve created.
  9. Your husband resents your ‘breaks’. you have the luxury of getting to stay with your children all day. You have friends, hobbies, and opportunities that most women don’t. You do not need a break. he sees that as you escaping opportunities to be close with him.
  10. Your husband wants you to go back to work. You were interesting and had ideas and thoughts outside of the kitchen, garden and nursery. You have become boring and complain about things that just don’t matter to him. You are not the person he fell in love with and have turned into someone who he doesn’t’ like. Remember who you were and try to be her again.

My final request of you  – treat your husband well. Love him. Appreciate him. Be kind to him. Be sexy and fuck his brains out. Give him blow jobs when he least expects it. Quit complaining and treat him instead like a cherished friend. If you would make love to him and treat him like a husband, not a breadwinner, mulch spreader, kid watcher so you can go to boot camp person he would be happier as a dad and husband. He would be less likely to stray. I am not his first affair and I am certainly not going to be his last.

If you don’t want to, then please let him go peacefully without a fight so that he and you can live the best life you can. I miss him and if you won’t love him I will.

A therapist would have a field day diagnosing this. What do you think?