Shortly after starting to text him, he sends me a half nude photo of himself in a bubble bath. Funny or strange? I am not sure, but Bubbles is doctor and a dad to four kids. On paper, he meets my requirements: attractive, physically fit, employed and a dad. I met Bubbles at a sushi place in KY. Sushi in the midwest scares me. Logistically, it is impossible to be fresh. fresh frozen then thawed kind of fresh, I supposed. In any case I like sushi and was willing to take a chance. Bubbles seemed normal enough so the sushi seemed like the biggest risk of the night. We’d been texting for a couple weeks and he sent me videos of him and his kids. It was actually a nice kind of relationship. He checked in with me throughout the day and I became interested in hearing what was going on during his day with work or his kids.
He was running late, so at his suggestion, I went to the bar and ordered an Appletini, his favorite drink. About 10 minutes later he showed up and I knew what he looked like but I was not prepared for the overwhelming smell of Abercrmbie cologne. He leaned in to give me a hug, and I could imagine that I was now in an Abercrombie bubble and had to burst out! I was afraid to hold my breath and pass out or breathe and pass out. The hug lasted for about 2 shallow breaths. Dizzy, but didn’t pass out. Phew. that would have been a disastrous way to start a date.
He sat down next to me and ordered his Appletini. We had not been there for more than 10 minutes and I wanted out. But I am not a quitter. I was going to have fun on some level. So I figured, I’ll just go with it. I’ll see what kind of guy he is and give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he accidentally spilled his cologne and that that amount of dousing was unintentional.
I told him specifically that I am not a floozie and that I am not going to sleep with him and that this was a ‘friend date’ which to me is code for “keep your hands to your self unless I touch you first.” He kept inching closer and closer, and I felt like was backing up and about to fall off my bar stool. He saw I was about to fall and he grabbed me and pulled me in close to him again. I had to admit, it was actually nice having someone’s arms around me. But he scored failing marks in the “I hear what your saying and respect you” category.
His mannerisms were strange: an odd head tilt and an occasional blank, vacant stare. I assumed his brain took a mini vacation or simply turned off for a milisecond which I found annoying, yet familliar. He offered a drawly, “Fuuuucck yeahhhh” as his response to most things I said. He reminded me of a stoner surfer who I used to bang in college. So, candidly I just asked, “did you ever smoke a lot of pot?” His response, “Fuuuucckkk yeahhhh. My kid was in my stash the other day and I was like, ‘dude, I want my shit back’ and he was like, ‘here dad, take a hundred bucks.’” So failure in the “are we likeminded parents” category.
Second round of drinks and the awkwardness of his touching my back, my hair, and shoulders is wearing off. It wasn’t a creepy gross groping, it was nice, but obvious to me that these moves are coming right out of his play book. nothing about the way he was touching me was about me. Not a good reader of body language or verbal cues. Again, Failure. Sleeping with him would be a disaster because he clearly can’t take direction. But, still it is nice to have a man touching me all the while saying, “fuuuuckkk, you are soooo hottttt.” At one point he and kissed the back of my neck and pulled my shirt down a bit in the back started making out with my trapezius and said, “Fuuuckkk, you smell sooooo gooodd. But I think you have a splinter back here that I am going to get out.” Then he started biting and nibbling in the strangest way that was neither good nor bad but i did want it to stop. I really think he thought there was a splinter there. Maybe smoked more than pot.
Food arrives. Thank god, the night is almost over. I am generally unimpressed. The sushi was covered in some kind of a mayonnaise sauce with another heavy corn syrupy orange sauce. I was starving and didn’t want to get drunk. So I ate.
When the plates were cleared, made my move to go to the ladies room to get ready to go home. I returned to the bar and Bubbles grabbed me and started kissing me. he wasn’t a bad kisser, but that was not what I planned or wanted to do. but I was torn, it was just a kiss and it had been a while since I made out with someone. That’s when it hit me. I really miss GI Joe. I wanted him to be kissing me. The last time I kissed anyone was him, and we were in a restaurant in DC. we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. God I missed him.
It was then I announced it was time to go home. I expected a polite yet awkward parting, but the response was “hey, your druuunnkkkk. we need to get a hotel here.” I reminded him that I am am not a floozie, I am not drunk, but it was fun and I needed to get home. Another meaningless, awkward kiss. then we leave.
A few minutes later he is pulled up next to me at a traffic light, honking his horn & asking me to roll my window down. He then points in front of us and says, “the country inn is open, last chance, we can get a room there.” I look at the sign that says, “truckers welcome, Singles $49/night.” I think to myself that there is no way that my Hudson jeans are coming off in any hotel room that costs less than they did. Most certainly not with him. so I try to speak his language and say, “Fuuuuuckkkk nooooo. Dude, I’m not that girl.” The light turned green and I am off to my next adventure.