I realized a few weeks back that it was time to “expand my social circle” which to me is the polite way of saying I need to start dating and having relationship based sex as opposed to the kind that I had been having since my husband left. The trauma of my divorce has not been what’s held me back, its been a love for a man who, for all intents and purposes is as real as the tooth fairy. I fell in love with him when he came back into my life after the tragic death of a mutual friend. In our mutual grieving and planning and attending the memorial service, we became close and an attraction grew. As luck would have it, GI Joe was to go back over seas for some super secret job so our ‘relationship’ had a definite expiration date and he didn’t know when or how often he’d be back to the States. We said goodbye and my heart was broken.
We had no commitment, but I wasn’t ready to shelve the possibility of a future relationship. I wrote him occasionally and cried often. He came back to the states about 3 months after he left and we met for couple of days. He was definitely changed by his job, but I didn’t care. I loved him more – damaged and all. He was a good man to me and I wanted him. Again, we said good bye and my heart was broken. again. It was a choice that I made. But then I started to think he would find that really stupid. Afterall, he’s my friend and he would want me to have fun, right? So the rationalizing of cheating on my fake boyfriend begins.