Why can’t I love a man that is available both emotionally and physically? The men I have loved over my lifetime are simply not available, why could I not take a step back, see that and just not get involved. They have loved their careers or have some other impediment to attachment. I seem to pick men who are just unavailable.
RodgerDodger – my first ‘serious’ guy – we lived in sin and expected to marry after college. I wanted to get married and he seemed like a good catch. He wanted to be a pilot or aerospace engineer. He liked adventures and hiking and was great in bed. However, he couldn’t maintain an acceptable grade point average so that any employer would find him attractive as a new hire. When it came to hiking, he couldn’t read a map and we got lost for days along the Blue Ridge parkway. We hiked in Ocala Park during Horse fly season and left with giant welts all over us. He was nice, but I wanted more. I had transitioned from college to a 9-5 job and he went from college straight to the couch where he consumed pints of ice cream and watch cartoons. I wanted somebody who was gainfully employed and crossed the threshold into the land of the working responsible adults.
Grooney – He was gainfully employed. A superstar Clemson grad and software engineer. Every bit as arrogant as he was good looking. He though didn’t like the outdoors, unless it was the beach with a cooler of beer. He was also the guy who told me he was in love with his mom and would sleep with his sister because she was just the most beautiful woman on the planet. Clearly lots of emotional issues that Freud would love to explore. He was also a big spender; he spent all his money as soon as he got it. Perhaps it was a phase but it frightened me. I could not spend my life with a man who was more attracted to his family members than me and who would drive us to the poor house. I wanted someone who had a distant, yet functional relationship with his mom and who was financially conservative.
BlandMan – he was pretty sporty – he ran races, played tennis, loved to hike, he had a job. He had a mortgage but otherwise was not in debt. He was five years older than me and a true grown up by my standards. Gainfully employed and he had investments. Both were new concepts to me and he shared his knowledge with me, demystifying the process of being financially solvent. On the surface he was perfect. But he was so boring. The night I went to break up with him, he told me he was in love with me and saw us getting married someday. “Okay.” I thought. I could do worse. I will marry him. Marry him I did and while we were compatible in the sense that we didn’t fight, I just didn’t loose my breath or feel excited by him. Our sex life was boring. Our conversations were boring. He was so nice and I treated him like trash. I am regretful but needed more excitement.
GayHusband – the gay husband was exciting. He liked to drink, dance & party. I left BlandMan for GayHusband. GH had funny stories and commanded the attention of others. His laugh was infectious. He was perfectly exciting. We biked, we played racquetball, he owned a home and had a respectable job. There was nothing wrong with him. Except unbeknownst to me he liked men. We had sex, albeit not frequently or with such miserable performance that I would even question his sexuality. We even had two children so the sex ‘worked.’ How was I to know he was gay? But everyone has secrets and one day I learned his and my world fell apart. The next guy would be straight and love having sex frequently, as I had a lot of making up to do.
Ashton- Ashton was 15 years younger than me. He was straight. Very straight and was sexually available; he rocked my world and did all I asked him to do and more. He was adventurous and funny. He was good with my kids and very patient. He began to satisfy more than just my need for sex and I started to get emotionally attached. I found myself wanting him next to me when I woke up and wanting to have meals with him. I could imagine him in my life, but he was too young. He needed to have his heart broken a few times; he needed a job because for all I could tell, he was unemployed. He didn’t need me or the complications that divorcing moms bring to the table. He needed someone who he could bring around with his friends and not be embarrassed. He didn’t need a grown up with grown up problems. I had to end it for him and for my sanity. I could not allow myself to have deeper feelings for him than I did and I saw it going that way. Perhaps after all these years, I was learning something? My next guy would be around my age and will have had a lot of life experience.
GI Joe – I fell head over heels for him and loved him in a way that was larger than I have loved all the other men in my life. GI Joe and I got reacquainted while I was seeing Ashton, so it made separating from Ashton easier. I trust GI Joe with my heart and didn’t want him to think less of me by seeing Ashton too, so ending it with Ashton also because a self-imposed exercise of fidelity for a man who was physically unavailable. Yet I love that GI Joe is committed, passionate and successful in his job. He’s exciting and funny. He doesn’t carry loads of debt and remains gainfully employed. He’s straight, without a doubt. He’s my age and has lived more in his life than many people have lived in twice the amount of time. I can tell him anything and be myself. But he is simply not capable of giving fully of himself and committing to being physically present. The fact that he’s been honest and forthright about it gives me a pass to pursue other men, but I just don’t want to. The hurt I have from him is manageable because I inflict it upon myself. My love for him protects me in that I refuse to get to close to anyone who may make me question how I feel about him. I just want him physically here, but if he were, I question whether I would be acceptable to him and if I really were someone he would want. In the current scenario, I will never know and I am more comfortable being rejected because of physical circumstance than by his conscious choice. Should there be a next guy, he will be all that GI Joe is, but physically by my side.
So the progression goes: sporty and adventurous, gainfully employed, financially conservative, exciting, straight, near my age range, and physically available. The final guy will be all that GI Joe is but will actually articulate that he wants me in his life physically and emotionally. He will want to lie down next to me and kiss me good night; he wake up next to me and when he can’t he’ll wish he could. We will have a connection that distance and separation can’t break; when we are apart there will be no trust broken from either an emotional or physically connection to someone else. We will be each other’s best friends and grow old together and look back with wonder and humor on the crazy path that led us to each other. We will hold each other tight and breath each other in. All that was broken in both of us will be healed and we will be one. We will be each other’s silly love song.