His leaving was the best thing that ever happned. I just am beginning to realize that.
Now, when I look back at our 11 years, I try and think of the good that came of it. Aside from producing two children, I have to say that I would gladly trade every good moment for the truth and the right to decide how to live my life. His lies robbed me of the life I set out to live. That is what makes me angry. I made decisions and compromises along the way that if it were not for our marriage, I would not have made. Decisions I made for our family were done, on my part, for the good of the family and in the interest of our business. Trying to cope with my anger is a new skill that I am working on developing. It isn’t going as well as I would like.
Countless people have tried to make me feel better by pointing out all the good that has come of our relationship and how much better I am / he is / our community is /etc. I am truly grateful for all the experiences I had and the opportunities that those experiences have afforded me. I NEED to believe that every experience I had is somehow preparing me for my best life. Yet there is a nagging I feel. It is like the whining child inside me screaming, “BUT I NEVER WANTED THIS FOR ME!”
There were truly wonderful parts of our lives. But then I start to dissect them and wonder what about it all was so wonderful. It was all based on a lie. Our relationship and our family and our dreams for our business were all tied up together and inseparable. The financial investment that we both made to move and buy our business. Would we have done that had I know he was gay? NO! Would I have moved to Mapdot, USA had I known he was gay? NO.
But the past is the past and I want to move forward. So, with each wave of fury and anger for decisions I made for him, I will try and balance it out with a life lesson that is positive and will have a greater, positive impact on my life going forward.
So here goes: Point / counter point for angering thoughts of the day:
Point: I had a stressful job and traveled a lot, which gave GH lots of opportunity to ‘play’
Counterpoint: He was gay, my being gone didn’t turn him gay. Plus since I was gone, it was less likely that I would find out. I got to see some great places, stay in fabulous hotels and eat amazing food that I can’t get in Mapdot, USA
Point: I worked very hard to earn a lot of money to support our new business
Counterpoint: It is an investment and I will get my return on the financial investment
Point: We moved to Mapdot to be near his family and friends who are very different from me and I felt very isolated
Counterpoint: When we split up, I didn’t have to see them anymore and I learned how to be more tolerant of people I genuinely dislike
I could go on for a while but this is a useful exercise and actually makes me less angry and more hopeful that I will be equipped to turn the page to an amazing next chapter.