If wishes were fishes, the sea would be full

I feel better if can categorize and distill my thoughts. The throbbing and nagging lessens when I can see in black and white the idea that is causing my heart to race or my mind to churn. There are times too when I feel an overwhelming rush of peace or gratitude and am so thankful for the life I have, my friends, and my good fortune. The lists of things I am grateful for spans many pages but most are too personal and too revealing. Rest assured, the things I am grateful for and truly appreciate far outnumber the items here. One thing that has taken me almost 8 months to realize that I am glad GH left and I actually thankful for being set free to no longer have to live in his closet or be subjected to the lifestyle that being lied to creates. I am sure that anyone who has had a spouse who was unfaithful can relate!

Now that you’re gone…

  1. I can leave the bed unmade
  2. I can eat what I want and when I want
  3. I don’t have to cook your favorite foods that I hated
  4. I can enjoy meals in the company of our children
  5. I can have a discussion with the kids without the TV blaring at dinner
  6. I no longer have to hear you yell out letters at Wheel of Fortune
  7. I don’t have to watch you pick your teeth
  8. I don’t have to hear you fart
  9. I always get a hot shower
  10. I don’t have ask permission to go running or work out
  11. I don’t feel anxiety when the house isn’t picked up
  12. I can stay in bed late or get up early
  13. I can stay up late and read, watch a movie or TV show that I want to watch
  14. I feel good enough and at peace with me
  15. I am happy

Things I think of that make me want to vomit

  1. You sucking another guys dick
  2. You coming home and kissing me hello, I now wonder where that mouth was
  3. You missing out on time with our kids because you wanted to hook up and have gay sex
  4. You having so much pent up anxiety and anger about your double life that you took it out on me
  5. You having men in our home and at our store
  6. You wishing you were somewhere else or with someone else when you were with me
  7. You staying late at work to hook up
  8. You lying to me about the reasons we didn’t have sex
  9. You letting me think that there was something wrong with me
  10. You manufacturing problems and causing fights to avoid intimacy
  11. You making me distrust men and think that they are all gay
  12. Your ability to create and destroy a whole family by your lie
  13. You have a support system and group of people who have embraced you in YOUR difficult time

Things I wonder about

  1. How many men did you really have sex with
  2. Did you take it in the ass or give it up the ass
  3. Did you like the way a guy sucks your dick better than the way I did
  4. Did you ever have some kind of gay sexual encounter and then have sex with me
  5. Where in our house or store did you have sex
  6. Did you have your mom watch our kids so you could hook up with men
  7. When I was traveling, did you look forward to my being gone
  8. Did you lie to me when you said you missed me
  9. Did you ever really love me
  10. When you did errands for the store and stayed over night at a hotel did you hook up
  11. How many people did you meet on the internet that you invited to or told about our business
  12. How many people knew
  13. How many people kept your secret for you

Things I am sad for you about

  1. You had to live a lie
  2. You didn’t feel like you could trust me with your secret
  3. You feared your parents reaction
  4. You had stress about living a double life
  5. You are so narcissist that you can’t think about anyone’s feelings
  6. You are so ungrateful for all that I have done for you
  7. You are resentful towards me about our divorce
  8. You were not able to live an authentic life
  9. You were not able to enjoy your children and wife as a father and husband
  10. You don’t even know what you are missing

I wish you would….

  1. Tell me you are truly sorry for everything
  2. Be honest with your children, parents, and friends about who you really are
  3. Realize that people would have loved you and accepted you for you
  4. Understand that the lie was the worst of it all
  5. Take the blame for our failed marriage
  6. Figure out how to make up for all the damage you have caused
  7. Take responsibility for putting the fork in the road and causing our paths to change
  8. Realized that you can’t have the best of both worlds and that I now deserve to live a true, authentic life
  9. My dreams were wrapped up in you, the family we created, and our business that we create
  10. I can’t ‘just get over it’ and ‘just move on’ while living here
  11. Be charitable enough to figure out to help me right my life and get back to where I belong
  12. Not be gay
  13. Tell me that this is all a terrible, mean joke and that you are not gay and you want to come home and fix it all

But if wishes were fishes, the sea would be full.

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One thought on “If wishes were fishes, the sea would be full

  1. Pingback: If wishes were fishes, the sea would be full | Caught in the Riptide

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