I Want Dorothy’s Shoes

The universe has made a giant mistake. Giant may be a bit of an exaggeration. Perhaps it’s just a stutter. But, I am now living in some strange parallel universe that makes no sense. How can it be that my children are not allowed to leave Mapdot and live a normal, stable, and enriching life with me back East. I just want to go home.

I am grieving all over again. This time it’s because of the death of a dream. I wanted so badly to leave Mapdot and to escape and just move on with my kids. I wanted to be granted sole custody and go home, to my family and friends. I had a home waiting for me and a really good, high paying job. I was so sure that I would be allowed by the courts to go.

After all, the Gay Husband doesn’t not exactly participate in the day to day life of our children. He doesn’t tend to their basic needs like feeing them or providing them with a safe home. His mother prepares all the meals and the GH has a shanty in the country that serves as a place to sleep. In my option, its in the best interest of the kids to be far away from the ridicule of having a gay dad, be with their primary care giver, be removed from an environment where they are exposed to a lot of adult behavior. I wanted my kids to attend schools that are some of the nation’s best and be near the museums, art, culture and diversity that is offered in a metropolitan area. I want my kids to have every opportunity and not deny them the relationship of their dad. My offers for visitation were generous and I offered to foot the bill to ensure that the kids and their dad stayed close.

My job, which is located in the Northeast, is a good high paying job that is in my field. I have been doing it since prior to the discovery of The Gay Thing and prior to GH moving out. So it is not as if I planned to have a job where I would want to run away to because after all, I didn’t know I would want to leave.

Can I work at that job from Mapdot? Yes, sort of. I can work here, but not efficiently and there will be travel, which means my kids will be in the care of their grandmother and with GH. My job is at risk, and while I may be able to technically work here, I don’t see it being a long term solution. By not being physically located in the East, my job will be redefined and possibly eliminated or re assigned to someone else.

For the past several months, I could see no other solution than living back East. My dad has a rental home that I would rent. I envisioned myself waking up with the kids, packing lunches, sending them to school on the bus. I would go to work and come home. I have friends who I would work out with, run with, and who have kids that would be my kids’ friends. In my mind, it all seemed so real. So real that in fact, there were days I’d wake up in Mapdot and be actually surprised that I was here instead of there. It just seemed so right, so perfect and such the obvious solution. But then I’d realize I was still here.

The Guardian assigned to evaluate our custody case and make a recommendation on my request to leave thought differently. Her interviews and visit revealed no surprises. I scored high in the ‘better parent’ category and GH was caught in lies and told he ‘has his head in the sand’ when it comes to the risks and dangers he presents. I was granted residential custody and GH is to have visitation. Most importantly, she noted that the kids are attached to the farm, their friends and family and she thought it in their best interest to preserve status quo with their living situation. My request to leave was denied.

My employment and career, in her mind is replaceable. While she made not inquires or calls to my employer, she felt that I should be able to replace my job locally. Clearly she missed the memo about high unemployment and lack of high paying professional jobs in my field in this area.

My career and the way that I earn a living and will support the kids is at risk.

The farm and physical surroundings of the kids will change as GH and I have decided to sell the farm. We will have to move and  the kids will be moving and changing schools.

The reasons that my request was denied are no longer relevant. I am challenging premise for her findings and asking her to modify her findings and recommendation. I simply cannot accept that my kids and I are to be held hostage here to preserve a set of circumstances that have irreversibly changed. I am begging the universe to put me back on the trajectory I was on before meeting GH. Or, can I please have a pair of magic red glittery shoes to tap three times?

Getting my heart broken for all the right reasons

As much as I want to be with GI Joe and as much as I want him to want to be with me, the reality is that I can’t force him to feel something for me. I can’t ask him to be there for me, and while he’s safe and at the other end of my computer, I am going crazy wanting him.

For weeks, there’s been cute, funny flirty banter. A few photos exchanged, and all it does is make me want him more. He gives me what I crave. I feel wanted. I feel special. But really, if I am honest with myself. It is really dangerous for me to assume anything and I don’t want to punish him for the sins of GH.

So, he wants more than me. Or different than me. Or just not me. Or quite possibly, he doesn’t want anyone and is just bored and sexually deprived, just as he said. I shouldn’t make this about me, because it isn’t. I know that, but I am obviously quite damaged and crave an intimate connection that is personal and special. I crave that from him and don’t want it to end.

GI Joe told me he was bored and sexually deprived. He joined the site to see what the fuss was about. He has been honest. Now the question I have to answer is, “am I okay with that?”

I trust him to be honest and he has not told me or done anything that has been less than forthright. We don’t have a relationship where we’ve chosen each other. We don’t have any expectation of commitment. The one thing I can count on is that he breaks my heart it won’t be because of lies and deceit. I am okay with that.