The Last Tear

I still cry every time my kids leave to visit their dad. It’s a total breakdown complete with the sobbing kind of cry. Then every time, I say with conviction, “This is the last tear I will cry. No more tears because it is not my fault. I did nothing wrong and I have so much to be thankful for.”

Then, I dutifully count all my blessings and wipe my tears away. I have so much to be thankful for, but what I really want is my family whole again and I can’t help but feel angry and sad. I am still grieving for the life I will never have. Yes, I know I need to ‘get over it’ and move on. But the tears keep coming. I want the father of my children back in my house. I want him to not be gay and to love me like he promised he would. But the thing is, he was always gay.

From the start, our life together was a lie. I am sure he wanted to love me. But what he wanted more was to have children and to return to his home, near his mom, sister and friends. I went along for the ride, replacing my individual dreams with dreams of our new life and his family. Slowly I gave up who I was and blended into his family, his town, his friends. Never really feeling like any of it was a sacrifice because I wanted my husband and children and me to have a shared story.

I traded in the dreams I had for me for dreams of ‘we.’ I cry as I grieve for the loss of my dreams, my spouse, my family as I knew it.

Not a single tear will erase the pain. I take a deep breath, wipe my eyes and grab my yoga mat and head out the door, knowing that in a matter of time, I will have some peace and my practice will help me balance the pain and loss I feel with the uncertainty of my future.

In time, my grief will be balanced with the joy and gratitude I have for the wonderful opportunities and friendships that would not be present in my life if it were not for these circumstances.

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