I temporarily stepped in front of a backdrop that made my life seem so enviable. For outsiders looking in and from my perspective, I had it all. There was nothing in the world that I wanted. I really felt like I had it all. The Gay Husband nuked that life and that part of my life is in the past. It is now gone. But I still have my health, my kids are healthy and our needs for safety, food, and shelter have been met. I live better than 99% of the other humans on this earth. I have no real, legitimate complaints.
Now my life is finally stabilizing and I’ve run into a few acquaintances who seem to feel like they can take credit for my new found happiness. They say, “We’ve prayed for you! God answered our prayers.” I should be grateful, but I am not. I am irritated and depending on who the person is who prayed for me – I am outraged! It also irks me when people I know say they want to pray for me. I know that they mean well.
Why can’t I simply smile, nod and graciously say “thank you” or just exchange pleasantries. The Gay Husband has made me so sensitive to the most minor infraction and lies of any scope set me into a frenetic tailspin where I want to address the lie. Confront it and force honesty to the surface. He denied me truth for so long and I refuse to have any part of my life touched by lies. I want to protect my kids from the lie of a god that will answer prayers for a new baseball glove, nicer clothes or a good grade on a test. I don’t believe in a God who would listen to and answers prayers – If there was, he should focus on fixing things like Darfur, meth-head moms, sex slaves, and the gazillion other social injustices and inhumane things that his children are doing to one another. In any community, there are homeless people, hungry people, children who are not safe from predators in their own homes.
So don’t pray for me or anyone for that matter. Sing a song, tell an inspiring story or a joke, spend time with the person who you want to pray for. Send money if you can, volunteer and improve the conditions of the world we all live in. The soul crushing debilitating shame, disgust and pain that so many people suffer can’t be erased with someone’s prayers. If you can’t actually bring your self to physically or financially help someone in need, you are not helping.
And for the record in my case, it was not YOUR prayers that were answered, it was the manifestation of other people’s efforts and my own personal conviction and focusing on the future is what helped.