I am absolutely terrified. the kind of scared that is paralyzing. I am done. It is over. All of it: My fight to leave. My dealing with the Guardian ad Litem. My dealings with the gay husband in a matter of moments has ended. I will be leaving rural Illinois now and starting over.
Just like that in a moment my life changed. The latest is that the gay husband said that he would give up the fight and let me move with the kids. The report from the Guardian recommended that I have physical custody and that the kids and I would be better in New Jersey, near my family where I could be employed. I could go home to New Jersey and raise my kids by my family in a place where no one knows our secrets. I could start over. My kids could start over. I could have a “real” job. I have my ticket out of Illinois! The gay husband has no chance of winning a fight, the judge indicated he would side with the Guardian.
It has been nearly two years from the day when I discovered my idyllic life was a lie and that my husband had been having secret affairs with men. Not just one affair or a couple here and there but many. I discovered he was a pathological liar and a serial cheater who had hundreds of affairs, right in front of me.
Now, I can walk away. well, drive actually. It only took tens of thousands of dollars paid to no fewer than 4 lawyers, 2 mediators, 2 therapists, and 1 Guardian ad Litem. There were hundreds of (mostly billable) hours in discussions with professionals and just as many spent with a few friends, loved ones. Then there are still the reams of paper – physical evidence that no one can unsee. I am holding on to this but it’s under lock and key. No one should have to see as many penises and assholes outside of choreagraphed porn, which would hopefully have a decent sound track.
I know myself well enough to know that there will be major adjustments. I will not be able to love or trust for a long time. I am unsure of the damage I have suffered but I hope that this move will protect my children.
The next chapter begins.