The Stuttering Universe

Trusting other people has been difficult. I don’t believe what people say. I look for reasons to not believe what people tell me and tend to believe the opposite. In the case of Mr. Serindipity, I didn’t want to believe that he is not interested in me. It was fate that we met. How could he not be interested?

After several weeks of texting for days, I find it odd that Mr. Serindipty hasn’t come up with a reason to spend time with me. After much discussion about his anxiety and other issues with him being injured I think I can use that to my advantage.”Come to Yoga,” with me I say to him. “It will help you rehabilitate your body after all that cross fit.” I think that there is no way he will agree to go to yoga. There are so many preconceived notions, but I did think it could help him. Plus, I wanted an opportunity to spend time with him.

After a couple of days of non stop texting and cute bantering, it is set. He has agreed to go with me.

I start to feel again. the butterflies. the anticipation. I get nervous thinking about being in a hot room next to him; sweating, bending. and trying to stay focused. Plans are arranged and he tells me he actually went without me. To get a ‘lesson’ so he’d know what he was doing ahead of time.

My head starts to spin with questions. Could that mean he likes me? does that mean that he wants to impress me? Is he just feeling like he said – he didn’t want to look like he didn’t now what he was doing? My mind can’t be quiet. It has been months since I have thought this way about any other man, and then this one showed up – right after I ordered one from the universe. Could it be him? Could it be a coincidence?

On my way to the studio, he text me that he’d pick me up. I am an idiot. I didn’t want to presume it a date where he’d pick me up so I say I am on my way and I’ll meet him there. Then i am flustered. what says “I am not interested” any more than “I am not interested in you picking me up so I drove myself.” I have not actually seen him in weeks. But I walk into the studio and set myself up next to him. I can’t speak. I am so nervous. I am thankful for yoga studio ettique. I have a reason to not talk and certainly blunder my words. I am  much better at texting where I can type and backspace. and retype. then send. Speaking – well I am not always so eloquent.

Somehow I make it through the class. We leave, sweaty and I feel as though I look awful. I want to go home and take a shower. We leave the studio and it’s chilly out.  I wish now we drove together because I really want to spend more time with him. He offers to walk me to my car, and I nervously tell him he doesn’t need to that I parked in the deck. Idiot. he offered to spend time with you! He walks me to my car. I chatter, nervously the entire way. My brain tells my mouth to stop taking. But I ramble on. We make it to my car and I want him to forgive my social awkwardness and just kiss me. As gross as I look and feel I find him sweet and funny. If he would just iss me my mouth would stop chattering nonsense!  We say our goodbyes with not so much as any physical contact. I get in my car, shut myself in and feel safe. sad. but safe. He went to Yoga with me. it was an activity we did with out any hint of interest from him. But I am not shocked – the words that fell out of my mouth and the way I acted didn’t exactly scream, “I find you incredibly attractive and I want to get to know you more and kiss you!”

Finally, back behind the comfort of a keyboard, I can text him. I admired his ability to go to a class beforehand. I can tell him I enjoyed his company. I have the ability to ask him to go with me again. He  agrees.

He must like me. what guy goes to yoga on his own to ‘learn it’ before hand. He must really like me. he agreed to go again. Or maybe he just really wants to do yoga and it has nothing to do with me. I don’t exactly make the best first impressions.

This is great. I am thrilled. I think it’s date. I count down the days and this time, we agree to have him pick me up. It feels more like a date.

He comes to my house, he comes in. I am making my kids dinner and feel a little more relaxed but still very nervous. I got this, I think. It is yoga. We went before, the only difference is we are riding together. Yeah, It’s a date. I say to myself. I am smiling on the inside.

The ride to the studio was effortless. We talked. I was not as nervous as I was before. I think the fact that it is dark out and i am staring at the road ahead makes it easier; still I am a little tongue tied. Tonight’s class – Yoga Nidra – is a guided meditation, and will leave me feeling less sweaty and unattractive at the end. As the class progressed, I was very distracted thinking of him lying next to me. When the class ends, we leave the studio. I am not ready to go home. I wish I could spend more time with him. As I am thinking that, he asks, “do you want to get some hot chocolate?” I blurt out, “I don’t like hot chocolate.” Why could I have not said something more flirty. more fun. more witty. Why could I not have just said YES. I am an idiot.

We get back in his truck and he takes me home. I become aware of myself. I am chattering and twirling my hair. I am leaning into him while we talk and nervously touch my throat and collar bone. All of the sudden I am aware that I am exhibiting body language that I didnt know I had in me! I stop immediately. I don’t want to be so obvious. We pull into my driveway and I don’t want the night to end. “Do you want to come in for a bit?” I can’t believe the words came out of my mouth. It is out there. If this is a date, and if he likes me and if he wants to spend more time with me too, I will know.

“I have laundry to do.” it just took five words to let me know he’s not interested. I feel so foolish. For god’s sake, 3 minutes earlier, I was subconsciously twirling my hair and hoping for him to kiss me.  Ok. I reel back. This was not a date. The other day was not a date. What man says he has laundry to do when a woman offers for him to come in. I laugh it off, congratulate him for making it through another night of yoga with me. I hug him good bye and head into my house.

I close the door behind me and replay the past few encounters. he texts me a lot. he went to yoga with me not once but twice with me and once on his own. He hugged me back. He can’t think nothing of me, but he clearly is not on the same wavelength as me.

For someone who is not interested, he’s spending a lot of time with me. Maybe I am just not his type. I want to test this theory so I invite him over to meet a friend. I say, “you should come meet my friend.”  He agrees to come over to meet her.

At this point, I should have taken the clues:

He didn’t make a move on “date” one.

He didn’t come in on “date” two.

I suggest a set up with a friend and he willingly agrees to come over.

These were not subtle, they were overt. obvious and loud indicators of non interest. Now I am screwed; I have to have him over to meet my friend.

When I set this event up, I didn’t consciously think that my motive was to get him alone, but it quickly turned into it. My friend is beautiful. Articulate. Smart. She surfs. she’s cool. she smokes pot. she has a large vocabulary. She went to Ivy Legague school. She eats foi gras, sushi, and other exotic foods. She confidently and charmingly weaves entertaining tales about her life living at the beach.  She is everything I am not. Of course he would prefer her, that is why I invited them to my home to see if they’d hit it off. In the short time I have known him, I do think of him as a good friend and want him to be happy in a relationship. If not with me, then why not with my friend? But I do like him. I become insanely insecure. I am a bit chubby in the middle. Socially awkward. I can’t express myself very well. I want to kiss him. A ‘kiss test’ to see if he responds. I invited him over to meet my friend and now all I can think about is kissing him. I am a terrible friend and feel like I’ve manipulated this situation. Maybe I will be able to kiss him into liking me?

After a couple glasses of wine, i have the courage, I rudely leave my friend in the kitchen and drag Mr. Serindipty to my bedroom, i shut the door and tell him that I feel very attracted to him and all I can think about is kissing him. He doesn’t protest and before I know it we are in each others arms making out like teen agers. It feels amazing to have him against me. Now I am wondering exactly how far this can go. would I sleep with him? He is a great kisser and I apologize for inviting him over to meet my friend then stealing him away. He laughs it off. I want to know, I want to hear him say that he likes me. That he’s into me, but we just kiss, talk. laugh. I really like him and  I am not thinking about GIJoe. I want to know why he hasn’t responded to me before.  I like him. I tease him and jokingly say,  “when a woman invites you in, you don’t say you have laundry to do unless you aren’t interested.” He says, “or it could be that I don’t know what I want.” Maybe he has a girlfriend. I ask, ‘are you seeing someone else?” he responds immediately, ‘yes’ So now I understand, I think.

He DOES like me. but he’s conflicted. He’s dating someone else. I press the issue: “How would she feel if she knew you were kissing me?” I want to figure out how serious is this. Am I (once again) getting involved with someone else’s man? I want more than to be an affair. After all, I am ready to find Prince Charming. And he is Mr. Serindipity, and very well could be Prince Charming. But not if he’s dating someone else!

“She would not be happy.”

“Are you Ok with this?” I ask him, but really I am asking myself. I am not sure if I am okay with kissing someone who is in a relationship with someone else.

“Yes. I am, I do what I want to do.” He says it like he’s trying to convince himself that it is true.  “I don’t know if I just want to date one woman.”

“Ok. I get it. I think monogamy is overrated, as long as everyone is honest and truthful. You should tell her so she can decided if she wants that kind of relationship.” Why I felt the need to tell him that is beyond me. Yes monogamy is overrated. In truth we are all in ‘open relationships’ whether we want to believe it or not. At any given time anyone in a relationship can stray. I clarify, “the issue is not kissing multiple people, it is in not telling the truth.”  That I believe wholewhartedly.

I get the feeling this is going to be a longer conversation, but right now, I just want to keep making out with him. In light of this new information, I am not going to have sex with him. For several hours we kiss, talk, laugh and cuddle. We end up getting naked and I am so hungry for him but hold back. I don’t want him to see me desperate for his affection. I pull away and realize that I am about to cross that line with him; I don’t want to be that girl who is an affair but as I look at him, all I can imagine is him inside of me. I can’t do it. I want him exclusively. I don’t wan to share anyone ever again. At this point in any kind of courtship it’s unreasonable to impose any kind of fidelity rules. Lying there naked, I notice he is fit and toned. Cross fit has worked for him.

I then remember back to when I was getting regular meal plans and work out plans from GIJoe. He helped me build an amazing body. Now I glance at my self, I get self conscious. I am not as toned as I was; as much as I want to deny it, I have let myself go some. Mabye if I were more attractive or more fit he wouldn’t have agreed to meet my friend. I ask him, “what do you think of me? I am not like the cross fit girls you know. and I am not wafer thin either.” He says, ‘ you are average.’

the room gets quiet. He is right. I am average. Average looking. Average height. Average intelligence. Average. As in not repulsive but not drop dead gorgeous. I hear mediocre. Average.

Immediately I want to turn back time. i want to be back at the farm house in Illinois. I want to be alone. I want him out of my bed. Out of my house. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be with him. I don’t want to be Average. I want to be back in the time where I was loved. Adored. I want someone to look at me like I am the most beautiful (not average) woman he has ever seen. I want GIJoe. He would tell me how beautiful I was. He would have to catch his breath when he spoke to me. I literally took his breath away. And now here I was, naked, in my own bed with a man who saw me as average.

Denying the obvious signs of Mr. Serindipity being too weak to leave earlier and reject my kissing him, I made a joke and told him that while he thought I was average there were some who thought I was above average.

I kiss him some more. His hands go to my head and he pulls me close to him. I want so badly for him to be the one. He came when I asked the universe for someone. He is Mr. Serindipity. What went wrong? We continue making out and  caressing each other. I want to get on top of him and show him that i am not average! I know I can’t undo what we did but I am glad we didn’t have sex. Oddly, I think to myself that I want to get to know him more. I think I could really like him and I want to have a friendship too.

He stays in my bed until 430 a.m. I kiss him good bye. Now I am conflicted. He leaves me with an odd feeling that this was not a one time event but not going to be repeated anytime soon.

I feel like a shitty friend to the surfer girl. I feel like a manipulative woman to Mr. Serindipity. Personally, I feel hollow. As fun as it was kissing Mr. Serindipity, he was a reluctant participant. He wants what I am not and all along I knew that I just couldn’t face the reality. After he left and I was alone in my bed, it all seemed so obvious. He said, in words, as well as actions that he’s not interested in me. Why can’t I just accept that.

Something has to be done to right this; I like him and even though I’ve only known him for a couple of weeks, I don’t want that to be the end of our friendship. I send him a quick text letting him off the hook. After all, I invited him over to meet Surfer girl. I apologize for kissing him. I err on the side of honesty, “I am sorry I attacked you I really wanted you to like me. Did you want to meet Surfer girl again?”

“She did seem pretty cool. how about i get through this month…. I may not be my most generous self. I guess the real question is would she like to meet me.”

My heart sank and my eyes welled with the stinging tears of rejection. I am a good person, I tell myself. But i know that isn’t true. I am mortified by my actions. I chased a man who I thought the Universe sent to me. He rejected me now four times. The message from him was coming in loud and clear.

I tel him that I am embarrassed by my behavior. “I thought i was setting you up… I had a few drinks and had that feeling that you were into me too.”

“Don’t apologize.” he says. “we both had fun, I hope. And we are both open with each other. Nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Wonderful, I think to myself. I was a ‘fun time’ I am very glad I didn’t fuck him. that’s all it would have been. My stomach is stariting to clench, I grab myself if holding me tightly will keep the tears from spilling out of my eyes.

“I am sorry. I took advantage” I say again. hoping that my apologies may convince myself that I am a good person, worthy of love some how.

“I didn’t fight all that much,” he responds.

Again, I tell him, “Yes I liked that.” to which he sends an ambiguous  smily. I hate emoticons. They are lazy. So I ask him outright, “Did you?”

He says, “yes I did.”

Needing clarificattion, I press the issue, “Did you really because you seem conflicted or not interested,” knowing full well that the girlfriend might have been the reason.

But he responds, “I don’t want you to feel like I took advantage. I LIKE SEX.”

That clearly says, “I like sex. you were offering. I wasn’t going to say no.” I am an idiot because now I just want the actual words to come from him. Don’t beat around the bush anymore. Reject me. For real. I tease it out of him and hand him the verbal knife: “Right, well you didn’t’ take advantage. I was hoping that I could tip you over into feeling something for me.”

And now it comes, a swift clean cut, “I am a very physical person. I like you and enjoy you but not in a relationship way. you are a good friend.”

Now I can bleed with tears. That was the emotional cut that i needed. An odd feeling of relief and pain simultaneously come over me. It  is the same hurt and pain that i know from GI Joe. From the Gay X husband. Oddly, it is comforting.

He speaks the the truth that I don’t want to be true. The words echo: ‘not in a relationship way.”

“Suck it up!” I command myself. “Don’t beg. Don’t ask. Don’t try and convince him.” I remind myself that someday Prince Charming will come.

“Good. I didn’t get what I needed from you.” and that was the truth. What I need is a man to breath me in. to quiet the noise around me. to hold me. make love to me. adore me. I clearly misread his physical response to me as one that could be emotionally fulfilling.

When I told the universe I was ready and asked to meet my partner, he showed up. Maybe it doesn’t work as quickly? Maybe I thought he was IT but really it was the universe stuttering its reply and the real Prince Charming is still out there? Or maybe, hoping against all hope, Mr. Serendipity meant what he said in that he just doesn’t know what he wants and it could be me after all.

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