Gazing into my crystal ball

I have a condo. It faces south and has trees shading the front and the back faces a wooded area. From the inside it feels very private and is quiet. I have just finished painting the interior to colors that I like. My bedroom is a bluish grey with a brighter blue accent wall. The bathroom is a lime green and it all feels very fresh and feminine. I have photos hanging on my wall that Amy took: My favorite photos of Will and emma an a collage of our snapshots and phone photos from races and trips to Vero.

Will wanted his room black, red and grey, so I painted his walls Grey with Black and Red stripes along the ceiling. Emma wanted a room that was very colorful and it looks like a jewlel box. One wall is purple, one is red, one is turquoise and the other is a yellowish green. It is bold and full of personality. I hung paper lanterns on her ceiling and her bed has a canopy from the ceiling. the veil is  lavender color and the bedspread is a combination of all the colors of her wall. She’s got her desk and school supplies and white board hung up. I painted a purple heart on the ceiling and it has little mirror squares and jewels in it.

The main living room and halls are a butter yellow. I paired them a neutral color until I decide on the furniture that I want. For now though I have furniture that Sue used: an old ethan allen sofa and coffee table. and a kitchen set from dad’s attic.  My kitchen is also a neutral color. The deck opens out form the kitchen/dining area. And I brought with me the wrought iron table and chairs with an umbrella. It is decorated with the wine bottle tea lights and other party lights and tiki torches. It is very festive and I love sitting out side, having a glass of wine and watching the fire flies in the trees.  I have a few bird feeders hung up where I can watch the birds come eat and fly around. When I look out, there are so many trees it is easy to forget that  I am in a very populated neighborhood.

There is a basement that has a storage area as well as a finished area for the kids to play with their friends. I have space enough to partition off an area to make a bedroom/ guest area for when company comes. there is a sliding glass door to the outside years and some windows that let natural light in. The walk out patio has another wrought iron table set and more party lights strung up along the ceiling. I have moved our large sofa from Illinos and our large tV is on the wall so that the kids have lots of space to play xbox and hang out with friends.

Originally I wanted a garage, but for the price, I opted for a parking space. I don’t mind because I saved that money to take a yoga certification class. The garage would have been used to store our bikes and other items, but the condo has a storage closet off the back patio and additional storage in the basement, so the garage was not really necessary for storage.

Living where I want to live now, I am working at a corporate job again. I love going into the office everyday. my commute is not bad at all, in fact, I enjoy it because I can listen to the radio and catch up on news. When I get to the office, I am so happy to be greeted by my co workers who are grateful that I am on their team. I am well respected and am able to contribute to the team’s goals. I feel so secure to have benefits again and to have a 401k savings plan that I can contribute to again. I am saving a lot of money as well as paying down the mortgage on my condo.

It is so freeing to know that i am able to make the salary I do and to have the financial freedom to take the kids on vacations and to save and to pay off the condo. I feel so at ease, like I had been holding my breath for so long and can finally exhale.

The kids are really happy and adjusted to our new life. they have made several friends at school and they can take the bus home or walk or when the weather is nice, they can ride their bikes. I jus love t the freedom that I have with them and I no longer have to interrupt my day to pick them up from school. On days when I am at the office late, I don’t worry because they are old enough that they can come home and wait the hour or so for me to get home. There are days though that they both have after school activities and I can pick them up or they can walk home.

We all love the variety that our new location offers us. There are plenty of grocery stores and restaurant and recreational activities all around us. Every thing is so close and we are all very happy. I am so relieve that I don’t have to spend hours each week in my car to simply do the tasks that are required to live life!

My family is near by and they join us on occasions for dinner or we all go to see them. The kids and I are at peace. I feel like they are getting a great education, I am making enough money to not have to worry about anything. My family is close and are able to help me when I need it and the kids are very secure.

My neighborhood has many other single parent families and the kids have made friends. I have gotten to know some of the parents and have a few ladies who I run with and a couple who go to yoga with. It is so nice to have a social life again and feel connected to human beings. I remember how isolated I was in Illinos. There were so few people who had common interests as me and the ones I found were quite a distance a way an it was a feel effot to stay in touch with people and to be active. I am so much more inspired here and feel so much more alive. It is hard for me to believe that I lived in Illinois as long as I did.

I know that this will not be a permanent place, but for now, I am so content and do not want to be anywhere else.


101 things about me

1. I have 2 amazing children who are 18 months apart and teach me a lot about the world
2. I was married before I met my current husband.
3. I cheated on that husband with my current husband.
4. My current husband is gay.
5. I am trying to divorce my current husband.
6. I call my current gay husband GH to my friends and family
7. I am very angry at GH for lying to me about being gay
8. I am trying to forgive him and be sympathetic to his pain
9. I feel very manipulated and used by him
10. Still, I am very thankful and grateful for all that I have in my life
11. I thought I needed a vice to numb my anger and disappointment
12. I tried drinking heavily; I didn’t like being drunk.
13. I used to smoke pot in college, i have no desire to now
14. I used to smoke cigarettes but I detest the smell now
15. I flirted with the idea of eating disorders, but I failed
16. I love to exercise and go to the gym
17. I am more physically fit than I was 20 years ago
18. I didn’t really enjoy sex with my first husband or GH
19. I want a man to make me feel beautiful and compliment me
20. I found that sex was really fun with someone who was into me
21. Since GH split, I have had a lot of sex with a few people
22. One person was 15 years younger than me.
23. One person was married to someone else
24. One person was an old high school boy friend
25. One person was a friend from a long time ago.
26. I fell in love with the friend from a long time ago
27. Because of his job, I won’t see him again; maybe ever and that makes my heart sad
28. I don’t think he can give me what I need but I am still emotionally committed and am emotionally paralyzed
29. I want to move away from the town GH brought me to
30. I want to raise our kids by my family, not his
31. I love to travel
32. I wish I could speak a foreign language
33. I am very intimidated by good looking people
34. I feel invisible sometimes and have social anxiety
35. I don’t like being in intimate social settings
36. I am a quick judge of character
37. Rarely do I judge people wrongly
38. I don’t censor my thoughts enough
39. I love doing yoga
40. Yoga is teaching me to be patient
41. I wish I were inspiring to people
42. I don’t have any phobias
43. I enjoy being by myself, but sometimes get lonely
44. I prefer the company of my kids and their friends to many adults
45. I get annoyed at people who are fat and lazy
46. I am inspired by people who are fit, attractive and make it all seem effortless
47. I hate ignorant people
48. I hate fast food
49. I love my dad’s cooking
50. collect recipes but usually don’t follow the directions
51. I love baking chocolate chip cookies and making home made ice cream
52. I don’t like eating packaged food with lots of ingredients I can’t pronounce
53. I think factory farming is disgusting
54. I don’t like to eat meat because I am afraid of where it is processed
55. I don’t think hunting is wrong, but if you hunt the animal should be killed humanely an eaten not wasted
56. I can shoot a gun, but don’t want my kids to
57. I love looking at the stars at night and can identify a lot of constellations and planets
58. I prefer the night to the day
59. I like camping in a tent
60. I hate RV camping
61. I love the ocean and the beach. I don’t mind sand in my hair or on my body
62. I enjoy singing but am not very good at it
63. I believe most people have a ‘good side’ and I try and find it
64. I love to play tennis but am not very good at it
65. I love to see movies in the theater on the day the movie comes out
66. I love movie theater popcorn and put the fake butter on it with milk duds
67. I like to spy on people and eavesdrop on conversations.
68. I am very curious about how things work and why people do what they do
69. I used to take real kickboxing, not the aerobic girly kind. I spared. I was pretty good at it.
70. I love dogs but don’t want one in my house
71. I like having snakes for pets
72. I like to play video games
73. I am a terrible decorator
74. Mostly all flowers I’ve planted died
75. I wish I were more creative
76. I love having flowers sent to me
77. I love to cook
78. My favorite food is pizza
79. I don’t really like vegetables
80. I love to grocery shop but hate to shop for clothes
81. I buy food that I don’t know how to cook and it often goes bad
82. I buy clothes that don’t match or don’t fit well
83. I have a closet full of nothing to wear and uncomfortable shoes
84. I wish I were more stylish
85. I would be happy living in a small house
86. I love the mountains
87. Native American Indian lore fascinate me
88. I believe in reincarnation, psychics and the supernatural
89. I believe in aliens and life ‘out there’
90. The smell of cut grass, the sound of thunder and rain, and cloudy days make me happy
91. Dental hygiene is very important to me
92. Dying doesn’t scare me
93. I am not sure I believe in god as a single source of good
94. I went to Catholic school and feel guilty about a lot
95. I like living on a farm, but miss being near a city
96. I like expensive perfumes
97. I like wearing short skirts and looking sexy
98. I want to find my soul mate and have amazing porn star sex
99. I don’t think most people tell the truth
100. I am afraid of being honest
101. This list is truthful

Gay trumps bitch

Always. No matter how much of a mean, evil bitch I was (and I wasn’t always evil). I might have been a bitch at times. I know I was, but not on a daily basis. He however was gay. Gay every single day. He wasn’t just, “I think I may want to explore these feelings I have” kind of gay. No – he was full on gay. He had gay affairs throughout our marriage. He posted and responded to Craig’s list ads and was active on gay internet chat/hook up sites. He wasn’t of the “I found my true love and it’s a man” gay. He was a man whore.

We didn’t have a perfect marriage (in retrospect, that seems like an underwhelming, yet obvious fact) but sexual orientation and his sexual exploits aside, the other aspects were good, even great. We were great friends, great parents, great business partners and great in our community. So I thought.

All the things that make a good marriage were present, well except for one major thing. THE BIGGEST thing. We just didn’t have regular sex and I chalked it up to low sex drive on his part or exhaustion from work. Possibly his lack of desire was due to health issues. Maybe the kids and our business and our general day to day grind was too much for him. I never considered that the reason we were not having sex was because he was gay and having gay sex.

I know gay men. I have a gay brother. I had a gay roommate in college. I have had many gay friends. I thought I had pretty good gaydar and could sense a gay man. What I was not good at sensing was the ‘masc’ gay man. The gay man who looks, acts, dresses and speaks like a straight man. This was a new category of gay that I was unfamiliar with, and perhaps I was being shallow and stereotyping gay men. But I never saw any gay tendencies in my husband. He chopped wood, built things, was sort of athletic, he was a guy’s guy who enjoys redneck things like car-camping and riding four wheelers. He was a terrible dresser and his appearance and fashion choices would leave me wondering if he ever used the mirror. I assumed he was straight.

And why wouldn’t I assume that he was straight? Our courtship seemed like normal courtship: flirting, going to dinners, going to bars, drinking, an having sex. It wasn’t frequent, porn star lusty sex, but it was sexual affair that lasted for about 2 months before  I got pregnant. 2 years later, we got married. Why would I ever think he was gay? He had every chance to dump me when I was pregnant or even after our son was born.

It is still a mystery to me how I could not have seen this.  Gay definitely trumps bitch. I am absolved of the guilt here – I get a pass on this failed marriage because you just can’t fix gay.