Better off alone together

It’s been a year of non-dating, unless you count the encounters with GIJoe. Yes, he came back into my life and for the past 6 months has been a steady part of it.  Oddly, as much as I thought I wanted a relationship, at least a traditional one, he and time have taught me that I don’t.

In the last 12 months, he has been the only man who I have kissed. And if we are completely truthful, he’s the man I constantly thought of when ‘dating’ other men. He’s the one I go back to in my head and heart.

I love him, but I love my children more.  I love my independence.  I don’t want him or any other man to interject himself in my life on a daily and nightly basis. I can’t balance a man and his needs – regardless of how ‘easy going’ or ‘low maintenance’ someone claims to be, that simply is not true.

Being a mom to a tween and teen is demanding. I love my children; I think they are perfect, flawed, amazing, annoying, funny, helpful, selfish, smart, lazy, sloppy and generous. In the midst of all the chaos they create, they bring  me calm. The piles of laundry that they generate cause me grief and frustration, but they are constant reminders that my children live with me full time, enough to generate all that laundry. The shoes I constantly trip over, remind me my children are safe at home, with me.

I am profoundly grateful to be their mom.  It is unrealistic to expect any other human being who has not contributed DNA to these two miracles to be as enamored with them as I am. Sure, there are stories everywhere about blended families that ‘work.’But this is where I am selfish – I don’t want to work to make it work. I don’t want to have any other human being judge my parenting or contribute to co-parenting my offspring.  I am sure there are hours of therapy in my children’s future and I don’t want to add to the billable hours by having them tell tales of mom’s boyfriend scolding them or have them feel like they are the reason that mom and boyfriend fight.

Now I am at peace with this ‘relationship’ thing. I have discovered that i am enough. I make enough money. I have an amazing home. I have the ability to take vacations and pursue my interests. I have friends. The part of my life that is the most important now is being physically and emotionally available for my children. GIJoe respects my boundaries because he has even stricter ones. He keeps me at a distance, as he too has his own life to manage. So now we are each alone, but alone together. For now, this is exactly what I need.  Independent but involved.

 

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Average aloof mom seeks handsome adventurous type

I want someone wonderful in my life. I want someone to hold and to hold me back. I want to be in love and to have someone love me. It seems so hopeless. I have been hopeful. Maybe I have not been entirely open minded though. We judge on appearance, there is no chance to build a friendship or get to know someone in a ‘normal’ setting.  I have reached out but the rejections are just piling in. I am guilty of it to. Here are the latest rejects…

A former addict. Yes I know it is not very accepting of me to celebrate someone’s sobriety. But I like an occasional glass of wine. Sometimes I like an occasional bottle. On rare occasions, I’ll drink more and get completely hammered. It is no fun to be in an altered state with someone who doesn’t drink. Do I drink too much? Maybe. but I do think it is fun to get tipsy with my partner and have drunken sex. Former addicts rule out that possibility.

Criminals. Having gainful employment usually requirers a background check. I want my partner to be gainfully and legally employed. I wouldn’t consider myself a gold digger, but I want my partner to pull his own weight. Plus I don’t want my stuff stolen!

Similar compensation. Making as much or close to the amount of money I do is important. I don’t want to fund anyone’s lifestyle anymore than I want to be a kept woman. I see things in my future that I want with my partner and buying a vacation home, dining out and traveling is not likely if he is unemployed or makes significantly less than me. I have two dependents that I gave birth to. I am not looking for a third.

Physical appearance. I am not a beauty queen but I am not  Quasimodo’s fraternal twin either. That being said, I want my partner to be of the same ‘look’ as me.  Mr. Serendipity called me, “average” so I guess I am looking for average. People can become more attractive to me as I get to know them, but initially, there has to be some form of attraction. I am not looking for simply my best friend. I want someone who I don’t want to keep my hands off of. But men who are bald, overweight, have no concept of manscaping and post hairy back and chest photos are just not appealing to me. Men with doughy looking faces, broken capillaries and jowls is just not appealing to me – regardless of how nice they could be, I don’t think there would be a physical relationship that would satisfy me.

I know that I am not everyone’s type. but I am wondering if I am anyone’s type!  In the past week, I have been called a hag – as in, “you are an old hag who I wouldn’t waste time with.” One man asked if I like to be called names. I said, “I prefer you call me by my given name. what did you have in mind?” He then said his favorite pet names for his girlfriend is, “whore or slut.” I’ve been told that I am “too old” and that having kids makes me, “not fun” and that if I can’t be free more often, then I shouldn’t even try to date.

I am not tall – 5’4 on a ‘tall day’ I am an ‘average’ body type – fluctuating between as size 2 and 4. I had, at one point been pretty fit with good muscle tone. But I am 45. it is harder now to maintain the physique of fitness model. Also, I am not really interested in the sacrifices at this point to achieve that. People tell me I am ‘pretty’ but I am not the kind of woman that turns heads and can show up at a box and do a WOD and look hot. I think I hate cross fit. I have a reasonable job. Make six figures. I am pretty well respected at work, but like a lot of people, I am stressed and I withdrawal to cope. I am a single mom. A full time mom all the time mom. I have very little time for myself let alone to date; I don’t have built in fun days or every other weekend off. I love going to the city, exploring museums. I love binge watching TV shows and having someone to snuggle up with. I want to have one person – maybe that makes me clingy. I call it exceptionally loyal. So I supposed I could be reduced to an an average looking aloof busy mom with no free time.

So with that in mind, I am going to create an alternate dating profile to see how that goes. I’ll use real photos – not as flattering as the ones that i have on my ‘real’ profile. we’ll see how it goes. My new headline: Average aloof mom seeks handsome adventurous type.

5 things I miss about being in a Relationship

1. Having someone to kiss good morning. Really kiss him – celebrate the fact that I have one more day with him in my life. Knowing that no matter what the day holds for me, that person, the one who kissed me back wants me to be happy, comfortable and whole. To carry that feeling as I start my day and face any insecurities or conflict is what lifts me up. Being confident that that regardless of what happens, the person who kissed me good morning wants nothing more than to see me at the end of the day.

4. Being surprised by his simple gestures and thoughtful actions. He made me coffee adn as I am getting ready to leave the house I see that the snow has been brushed off my car, the windshield scraped of ice and the car on, warm and ready for me to get in. He silently does these things without pointing out how thoughtful or nice he is. He does the because he cares for me and wants me safe, warm and comfortable and on time for work.

3. Packing a sweet surprise in my beloved’s bag. That secret smile that crosses my heart when I know my beloved will soon discover my thoughtful gesture. Knowing that sometime soon, he will be digging in his bag looking for a pen or a piece of gum and will come across a bag with his favorite snack. In it will be a post it note to let him know that I want to make sure he has a snack so he’s on his A game for his big meeting with the boss. That feeling of wanting to take care of him and that I am confident that he will rock the presentation. I know he is brilliant, charming and captivating. I see what he sometimes misses in himself. He loves that I love him and pump him up when I see he’s nervous. He doesn’t have to ask and he doesn’t have to admit he is feeling a little weak. We don’t talk about that; he just loves that I make him feel on top of the world.

4. Getting that suggestive text that lets me know I am his. A simple one liner or a quick back and forth that reminds me that I am his and he shares only that part of himself with me.

5. That feeling of anticipation. of not being able to wait to be naked and feel his warmth next to me. I  want to feel his kiss at the end of the day as we crawl into bed. He wraps himself around me and we become one. We breathe each other in and the noises in my head and the stress of the day all disappear and we consume each other’s body and soul. Falling asleep entwined knowing that if the world crashed down and ended I have had the best day ever.

Tindering towards the New Year

It’s tinder, but a girl can hope. Or is that asking to much?

I am so full of hope it is ridiculous. I am looking under every electronic rock looking for Prince Charming. So why not tinder? I’ve heard mixed reviews about it not being the shallow end of the dating pool. I know people who have lasting relationships that started with just a swipe to the right. So why not me. I’ll give it a whirl.

I crafted a simple profile, realizing not too many people read them but I do put in a rider. My equivalent of the Brown M&M clause. I state, specifically:

 Looking for a fun, fit stable guy who can take the time to add the “a” and the “e” to the word “are” and the “y” and the “o” to “You.”

I am not a grammarian and I really don’t care if someone take shortcuts but like so many things, it’s the thought that counts. we are all on smart phones nowadays. It will not take 17 clicks to type out a three letter word. So, for the love of wanting to get laid – can you take the fucking time to read a 120 character profile then type out “Your are Stunning?”

Am I being unrealistic?

U R Stunning

Prince Charming

Eckhart Tolle and all the other Law of Attraction followers all say to be specific when making please to the Universe. Here’s my order for Prince Charming. So what the hell… musing to myself in my house has not worked. so here it is, Universe.

Listen up – I am asking, specifically for who I want my life. I’m ready for him to knock on my door or to run into him at whole foods. Who knows – I could find him by swiping right.

But here is my order & it’s a tall one:

He gets me. He finds me funny, charming, and endearing. He and I have have a shared history and while we might have never met, our circles will have crossed. It will be the Universe’s way of teasing us when we finally meet. We’ll think of al the times we could have started a relationship but the timing wasn’t right.

By now he has been married and gone through a divorce. Sadly he will have suffered as I suffered but it will have made him open and strong not bitter and hateful. He will understand my trust issues. He will not judge me for my past. He would have a past of his own that includes heartache and lost love.

He has at least one child and they share a very close relationship. He loves his children’s hobbies and shares his passions with them. He knows their friends and the friends  know him.

He is smart, very smart. the kind of smart that is humble though and at times oblivious but always willing to learn from me and other around him. He is kind, to a fault. He has loyal friends that have lasted the test of time. He understands my reluctance though to keep people near and to at times, to too quickly discard friends.

He enjoys spending time with me, doing mundane things. He likes grocery shopping and cooking meals with me. He is rough around the edges – doesn’t get manicures or pedicures. He goes to a barber not a salon. He enjoys fixing things and taking care of things for me. He loves to make sure I am safe and makes sure my car’s oil is changed, the tire pressure is right and it is full of gas. He loves to send me flowers and leaves me thoughtful post it notes. He loves that I dote on him and take care of him. He enjoys the amount of affection I give him and doesn’t feel smothered or crowded.

He appreciates that I give him ‘alone’ time because I trust him to be faithful. He is not threatened when I need to be by myself, travel, or retreat to my room.

He loves my children. Our family blends naturally; we are alike in our parenting and have a healthy respect for boundaries. My children adore him and find him funny. They respect him and look up to him and consult him when life poses challenges.

He has a job, hobbies, and passions that excite him and keep him interesting. He shares them with me and because of my love for him, I enjoy his passions too. He loves that I want to be involved and enjoy his life.

Now since I am on a roll about what he should be like, let’s talk about what he should look like. He is fit and takes very good care of his body not solely for vanity but because he realizes he is getting older. He wants to be in shape and healthy so that when he finally meets me we can share an active life together. We will have an amazing physical relationship that makes us both feel like we are 16 again. He is under 6 feet tall because a man any taller than that is uncomfortable for me to kiss. He will want to kiss me all the time so being the right height is important. He has beautifully loving eyes that sparkle when he looks at me.

And also, as one last request, he has hair.

Ok Universe. Bring him on. I am ready. I see him in my mind, I now want to have him in my life.

Love your husband or I Will

Chatham was funny and passionate. He kissed me like he was devouring me. He looked at me  with such desire and maybe love. He frequently said he loved me He did all the right things – he was interested in my life. He helped me around my home. He sent me flowers. He met me for coffee before work to just hold my hand and talk to me before work. He brought lunch to me at work. I brought lunch to him at work. He stopped by just because he missed me. We went out for dinner. We acted like teenagers, making out in bars, on the sidewalk, in parking lots. The world disappeared when he held me.  Physically, we fit together perfectly. Unlike GI Joe, he was here, he was local. However he too was unavailable. He has a wife. He has children, four to be exact.  He already has one ex wife and another divorce would bankrupt him. If he left his wife he would not be able to see his daughters every night. That would kill him, he said. So our affair continued. One day he texted me, ‘What is kate short for’ and without much thought, I responded, “home wrecker.” I didn’t want to be a home wrecker and told him that he would have to either leave me to fix his marriage or leave his marriage for me. But I was hooked. I couldn’t let him go and he wasn’t ready to leave his life. He would disappear from his home and his wife and he would meet me, often staying with me until late in the evening. We had plans to go away for a weekend. It was all derailed, and probably for the best. The reality is that he was never going to leave her.

During a careless moment someone who knew his wife sent her an email outing her husband as a cheater. We were seen kissing on a busy street during rush hour. Oddly I was angry at Chatham for not telling her the truth about himself. About me. After we were seen, I became impatient, it was like the universe was sending a sign to him to make his choice. Me or his current life. Ironically before we were spotted, I wanted him to go to her and fix his marriage apologize. I wanted him but only once I knew he was free.

A couple of months have gone by and we have not had contact. I contemplate reaching out to her and apologizing for loving her husband. Even though I have not had contact with him or her, I want to.

As a wife who was cheated on by her second husband. As wife who cheated on her first husband. Now, as a woman who knowingly was with another woman’s husband. I have perspective. Ironically this is near his wedding anniversary so maybe my thoughts to his wife may inspire others.

  1. Your husband is funny. He is witty and sarcastic and has a beautiful smile and laugh. Enjoy him. Enjoy watching him find humor in things. Your husband is like a grown up 13 year old boy. He is raunchy and funny and adorable.
  2. Your husband is sexy. He loves with his whole body. His eyes shine and lips dance into a smile when he kisses. His embrace is comforting and makes the weight of the world disappear.
  3. Your husband needs space. He likes to be alone and have no one expecting him to do a thing.
  4. Your husband needs to feel appreciated. He works hard so you can stay home with your children. He needs to be thanked and not nagged. He loves to just be thanked and held. When he comes home, he doesn’t want to hear about your hard day. He would gladly trade places with you and have your “problems” at the community garden or the community pool.
  5. Your husband is afraid. He is afraid to leave you and afraid you will leave him. He loves you and your children. But it is weighing on him and his health is suffering. He is depressed and anxious.
  6. Your husband loves sex. he loves to have spontaneous sex in the kitchen, on counters, in the back of a jeep. outside on the deck. wherever and whenever the mood strikes. It is not so much the physical act but the act of being wanted, cherished and craved. I crave him. I want him. I anticipate each time seeing him. You treat sex like a chore. Scraping dirty dishes and cleaning toilets are chores. Have sex with him. On purpose. Be loud and joyful and let him make you scream with pleasure. Would you please do that for him? He would be a lot less depressed and probably healthier.
  7. Your husband loves being a dad. He loves his older boys. He adores his daughters. But he wants to be loved like a man too, not just a dad. The best part of his day is snuggling up with his littlest ones.
  8. Your husband is more than a co-parent. You are not tag team parenting. Parenting is a joy and should be done together with love for the lives you’ve created.
  9. Your husband resents your ‘breaks’. you have the luxury of getting to stay with your children all day. You have friends, hobbies, and opportunities that most women don’t. You do not need a break. he sees that as you escaping opportunities to be close with him.
  10. Your husband wants you to go back to work. You were interesting and had ideas and thoughts outside of the kitchen, garden and nursery. You have become boring and complain about things that just don’t matter to him. You are not the person he fell in love with and have turned into someone who he doesn’t’ like. Remember who you were and try to be her again.

My final request of you  – treat your husband well. Love him. Appreciate him. Be kind to him. Be sexy and fuck his brains out. Give him blow jobs when he least expects it. Quit complaining and treat him instead like a cherished friend. If you would make love to him and treat him like a husband, not a breadwinner, mulch spreader, kid watcher so you can go to boot camp person he would be happier as a dad and husband. He would be less likely to stray. I am not his first affair and I am certainly not going to be his last.

If you don’t want to, then please let him go peacefully without a fight so that he and you can live the best life you can. I miss him and if you won’t love him I will.

A therapist would have a field day diagnosing this. What do you think?

Cheaters cheat. Liars Lie.

Cheaters will cheat.  They lie and are self serving and selfish people. Spouses who cheat in a marriage are cheating themselves and their spouse of a loving, trusting relationship and the joy of being intimate. Can cheating really just be a symptom of a larger problem in the relationship and you can fix that problem and redeem your relationship? What if cheating is the “cry for help” and is the catalyst to redeem a broken and failed marriage. OR is the propensity to lie and cheat a fundamental personality disorder that regardless of the health of a marriage will always occur with certain individuals. I know there are thousands of self help books written on this subject and the topic is debated, but I just want an answer. I want to google it or shake my magic 8 ball and have a definitive answer that says, “People are good. They don’t mean to cheat and lie, but they do. Yes, they can be healed and never cheat again.”  But, if it were that simple, the self help industry would atrophy.

I found that my husband was active on a hookup site and posting for partners on Craig’s list.  He offered to “host” meaning he offered to have his hookups at our house or some other location that he could control. He had several profiles on several sites with a couple fake emails. He had been doing this for 11 years. He was not a “oops, it was just that one time and it will never happen again” type of cheater. He was intentional and duplicitous. Our whole marriage was a lie. He was active on Adam 4 Adam, a gay man’s hookup site. My husband was too much of a coward to be honest so he found he could easily lead a double life where he could maintain the façade of a dutiful husband and father and then also enjoy his sexual exploits with male lovers.

After I opened the door to his closet, he came out and owned up to the cheating and lying, he told me that being a husband /father is “ideal” on these sites because you can find someone who will keep your secret. Apparently this is a pretty common occurrence, gay husbands & gay dads protect each other – it is in every ones best interest to maintain the lie. The rules of the game are based on deception, so there is not any pretext of an honest, committed future when people meet on hookup sties.

Now I am faced with a dilemma. I can’t trust that my ability to judge men is any good. My gadar was apparently broken and my bullshit detector was malfunctioning. All I know for sure is that my sex drive is high but has been in park for years. Sex with a closeted gay man is about as adventurous and exciting as driving in the carpool lane. I want to race around a track at full speed – bank around the turns and careen down the straight away. I want to zig and zag and have an unobstructed view in front of me. Who will be my driving partner?

GI Joe is my man of choice. I don’t want to presume I can have a sane, honest and emotional attachment to someone who is physically and emotionally unavailable.  But he occupies my mind and I have an emotional connection to him, so would it be cheating on him if I pursue this desire to be connected with someone else? Am I diluting the significance of my emotional connection to him by wanting to have a physical connection with someone? Would he care? Should I care? Also I realize that I am possibly psychotic to wonder if my imaginary boyfriend would care if I considered cheating on him. Since we don’t have an official declaration of monogamy or even so much as a plan to reunite, it does seem a bit silly to think I am cheating on him.

As fate would have it, my relationship with GH was from an affair. I was married and found GH attractive and instead of being honest with myself and admitting to BlandMan that I wasn’t interested in being married to him anymore, I threw him into a tailspin. Don’t think the irony doesn’t escape me now. I am much more empathetic to the pain I caused him. Hearing, “Honey I am pregnant and you are not the dad” was probably just as devastating as it was for me finding out my husband had misled me during our whole marriage.

So I am a cheater too. I’ve read for every role in this play and I want to take my final bow and bow out. I have received and inflicted pain but I have learned that the pain of the truth is less hurtful than the pain of the lies that are told in perpetuity from an affair. Now that I have had every vantage point of an affair, I am inclined to say that wholly understanding the pain is the only way to no longer inflict or receive it. The Karmic cycle is complete, I hope. And from here a new beginning awaits.